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19.06.2006
random things...again
---->brain dumping session starts now<----
my affable personality seems to have packed her bags and left...hopefully for a much-needed vacation to the Bahamas to recharge or the worst-case scenario, retreating to a monastic lifestyle. or am i just getting older?
tsk...tsk...
Haven't come up with a decent poem yet, maybe i need to spend more time in the toilet? funny thing is, i get verses to flow in my head when i am inside the tiled fortress, regardless of my purpose for being there (catch my drift?). i just read ate betty's email to me, and she asked if i could give any of the songs i have composed for the upcoming album of the Malayang Pilipino Youth Band in the Philippines. i have to think about it, because i think my works are sometimes crappy, and i know we must give GOd the best. anyway, that was just a thought, as for my lack of inspiration in being a wordsmith, i find that i often start poems with "sometimes" or "i feel" whenever i get stuck in this poetic rut.
i guess a visit to the library would kindle the fire in me, angst doesn't seem to work for me anymore, unless of course i regress into a previous stage in my life, but then it would totally be unthinkable as i want to completely eradicate such attitudes along with their corresponding memories from my cerebral cortex. i dare not use my amygdala for decision-making ever again.anyway, as i said, i'm in a very melancholic mood, considering that i am classified as a choleric, ENFJ, type A personality. to explain the contradicting state of my personality now and its previous classificatio, i'll refresh my memory with some OT151 lectures:
CHOLERIC:one of the four temperaments (sanguine, phlegmatic, melancholic); usually characterized as bold, bossy, eager to share their views, has strong initiative,impulsive, seldom gloomy, likes to lead, action-oriented person.
type A: loves to multi-task, action-oriented, prone to outbursts, driven, highly-motivated.
ENFJ: has exceptional interpersonal skills, understands and loves people, value other people's needs, see the big picture, good leaders, make for great counselors, teachers, therapists and entrepreneurs (some famous ENFJs are King David, Oprah and Johnny Depp)
SO there is this big discrepancy between the personality assessment and my current behavior. It's either i cheated on the psych tests (which is inconceivable because i've taken them countless of times and yet i have achieved the same results) or i have bipolar disorder (which is unacceptable, i may be a little bit weird but loony? i beg to differ!).
Then this third option crops up, i'm just plain tired, i beleive this one. As my friend Mo once said, "I can be very friendly but i don't have to be every single day, sometimes i choose to be friendly or not". Here! Here! My friends would usually remark that i am a very friendly gal, Bea once said that i could run for office in student council with all the fellas i know (plus the connections). During our freshmen orientation for University, my block mates thought i was an upperclassman assigned to assist them because i rounded all of them up and introduced myself, they were ever so shocked when they found out i was one of them! that was why they voted...ermmm..."thrusted" me into the role of block head (a decision i hope they never regretted). Yes, i could strike up a conversation with anyone, i cna make you feel that i've known you for so long even though i had just met you, but sometimes, it's exhausting to be able to be amiable all the time.
haha...no one...not even my friends believe that, me, the girl named Ms. Congeniality on the Freshmen Orientation?<sigh>
bemoaning this fact wouldn't do me much good...
i think i'm spending too much time on "what was" than "what could be"
----->END OF BRAIN DUMPING SESSION<------
19:35 Posted in qUick biTes | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this
18.06.2006
i miss being elle...
ok not necessarily being elle. i just miss being called 'elle'...sigh...but then i started with judith and demanding that people will call me 'elle' here is like untying a difficult set of knots.
15:55 Posted in pinay boho | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this
17.06.2006
what a day...
so far so good...haha...
okay so now, as i am writing this i am wolfing down half a litre of ...are you guys ready?....
DURIAN ICE CREAM...yes, the fruit that "tastes like heaven yet smells like hell"...and to think that i could not stomach the real fruit and just stuck to the milder "durian candy", haha...my sibs didn't like it, leaving me with the container.
cell group was GRREEEEAAATTTT!------<insert a dozen superlatives here to catch my emotions>
hmmm....
so far so good....
i said that already didn't i?
20:23 Posted in sLiVers oF thOuGhts | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this
whew...
this is a re-posting of Kuya Mike Sales's message on my Christianster account:
So you'll remember us
ALTERNATIVE PRAISE AND WORSHIP
I am Mike from the Lord is my Shepherd Christian Fellowship. I am involved in the music ministry and I want to make friends with Christians who like me are fans of alternative praise and worship music especially United and Hillsong, Sonic Flood, and other Christian artists. I have a band called 23rd Psalm and we just released our debut album. Our songs consists of guitar-driven praise and worship songs very much like United and Hillsong. We have 11 songs currently in the album, including an ALTERNATIVE RENDITION of MALAYANG PILIPINO'S "SA PILING MO".
Our songs are being played over 702 DZAS in the AM and NU 107’s Against the Flow in the FM. I invite you to listen to our songs on-line at any of these links:
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pagemusic.cfm?bandID=241604
http://music.download.com/3600-8436_32-100616581.html?tag=bookmark
Our album is available at all House of Praise outlets, The Phillipine Christian Bookstores nationwide, Back to the Bible in West Avenue , Lighthouse bookstore in front of SM West. I hope you give our music a chance to be a blessing to you. God bless you. Hope to hear from you soon.
Mike Sales,
23rd Psalm
19:36 Posted in toiLet tales | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this
14.06.2006
so difficult!!!
uhmmm...it's totally crushing me...grr...
this week of self-imposed ban on FRIENDSTER, CHRISTIANSTER and YAHOO! MESSENGER...is totally crushing me....totally...haha...at least Juniper, Jenny, Camille and Fia sent me text messages...
waahhh...weep...cry....grovel....
21:00 Posted in sLiVers oF thOuGhts | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this
I do not love you...
by Pablo Neruda
I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.
I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.
I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way
that this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.
I discovered Pablo Neruda during the summer classes of 2005 where I took up Humanities I under the very inspiring and engaging Ms. Charette Pagtalunan. She introduced me to Italian short stories, Pablo Neruda and other modern writers...uber-cool!!!
Pablo Neruda's poetry is so poignant and very relatable, especially for those who had "been there, done that" in the realm of love. and this poem really speaks to my heart about not being able to freely express love for someone and yet love so strong that in your mind you become one.
well, i've never been there but still you get the feel of it the intesnsity of emotions so simply put and yet so powerful...
source: http://www.public.asu.edu/~nielle/neruda.htm#idonot
15:25 Posted in morning musings | Permalink | Comments (1) | Email this
13.06.2006
whee....
ok...
i have realized that the depression streak occurred, because of three things:
(1) i did not watch what i was thinking,
(2) i did not do what i was supposed to do, and
(3) i did not plan my activities well.
and it can be summed up as me being -LAZY. If i continue to limit myself at what i cannot do, i'll probably feel more frustrated.
Create your own message at BlingyBlob.com
14:20 Posted in toiLet tales | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this
11.06.2006
not without a fight
ok so i have been posting really depressing things about me lately, i think i hit the wall last night. because i was weeping so bad my mom thought i was perspiring...good thing she thinks that i have a runny nose so she did not notice.
and so when i was crying i suddenly thought, "Hey, wait a minute, this could REALLY KILL you". Yep, I used the third person and nope I did really mean it. I have this weird (but i know most of my close friends do it also) habit of talking to myself in the mirror or when i am alone (which makes you think that i have the weirdest friends also right?). talking to myself is a form of psyching myself up. prepping myself up, you know talking to myself to make me feel better. sometimes i find conversations with myself to be very beneficial to me..weird but anything that will help me 'deal with it'.
so anyway, i realized that 'feeding' this mindset would definitely destroy me in the long run. and besides i think the sluggard slash comfort-seeking facet of my personality just loves to scamper into some rock and just lie in wait there forever. waiting for the rapture or something.kinda like this...
but then, there's this little intense, struggling- to -break -free -from- the -chains part of me that would really berate me if ever i let myself become complacent and be scared of living. nosediving into depression-o-rama is really crummy and too much drama for my taste.
back with the old me...haha...ELLE is in the house people...i think i got depressed because somehow i managed to asphyxiate ELLE and she has become just part of my past (ok the third person is really getting creepy) .
my mind is the battlefield and i have to reclaim it, plunging into this deep abyss of sadness would just steer me away from my goal...whatever that is...
btw, this is the third day of a week's requirement , that i have placed a "temporary restraining order" on my friendster, christianster a
nd YM access. I just can't wait but then i need to discipline myself because all i do around the web is the stuff mentioned above. i think i have withdrawal symptoms.
hala, i think i'm experiencing reaction formation hahaha...for all my friends...i'll keep you updated in our yahoogroups otei?
20:25 Posted in redeemed boho | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this
10.06.2006
[heart]broken in all the wrong places
geez...
i am not pleased with this....
for a month now i have been on this roller coaster ride of emotions, more exhilarating, frustrating and definitely more stressing, than my heart could take. my sadness overwhelms me and i find myself at the feet of Jesus everytime. while i was waiting for someone from the cell group to pick me up at the MRT station, words quickly came out of my head, which began to sound like a mantra.
"i think i'm gonna die, i think i want to cry, i think i want to go home and disappear,or i think i'll just weep here, my heart is broken at all the wrong places, can somebody find me in this sea of faces?"
i hate this, i hate this...but then again tomorrow i'll wake up and everything will once again be brand new. i wish i had a brand new heart you know? because this loneliness that creeps within me is tearing me piece by piece and i try and i try to stitch it back together but all i end up is frayed seams.
i smile and yet i feel like i am betraying myself, and i seek Him, and i know that comfort awaits in His arms...that is the only thing i know, that i can never find the kind of intimacy, a union of hearts with anyone else on the planet, in the universe for that matter except with Him. once it was revealed to me that no earthly heart could ever fill the God-shaped vacuum in my life, that is why i should never be affected by love given or witheld from me by the people around me. i should be grateful but i shouldn't build an altar for them, as i have usually done in the past...
i fished this song from what Ace of American Idol sang, i did not take it out of the real context of the song though but the chorus really is what i feel...
Well I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain
To hell with my pride
Let it fall like rain, from my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry.
image source: http://www.otakuboards.com/printthread.php?t=26395&pp=100
lyrics source:http://www.ojar.com/view_22379.htm
retrieved: 06.10.06
19:15 Posted in sLiVers oF thOuGhts | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this
Help! I Am Scared
Yep, I reluctantly dived into this new place. But I did not break out in song mind you, I guess the gypsy in me has mellowed down. I have transformed these past years from being a vagabond to a person who wants to find a nice patch of earth to call my own in a world of almost 6.5 billion people vying for space. I just can’t switch on to “cruise control” mode anymore. I don’t know if being “interrupted’ is a good thing or a bad thing though. My life has always been punctuated with “rude interruptions”, sudden shifts in my way of living. It’s like being placed in a new environment then once you start feeling comfy, you get uprooted once again and then get planted on alien soil. As a BS Occupational Therapy student, I can classify my life as being peppered with non-normative life events- events that are peculiar to an individual (that individual being me). And I think I have been used to it, with my different upbringing, with all the God-stuff my parents “drugged” me (successfully) with every waking day of my life.
Once again before I can even say, “All right!”, another major shift has taken place in my life. I am in a new country where customs and the way of texting …oops sorry, sending SMS is quite different. Where I don’t have to fish out my pocket for loose change to pay for my fare but just need a card that I’ll tap the scanner with and voila! I’m headed to where I am going. This time, now that I am 20, I am as scared as scared can be. Knowing that this is real life- MY LIFE to be exact and that my choices really do chart my course for me is scary. It is terrifying than any death-defying stunt that anyone could ever put off, my life –is literally in my hands. Really, there is this temptation to back out and be tossed around, but I think it is such a lazy excuse.
It’s like I detain myself for periods of time in every crossroad of my life, and not only on the major intersections, but my delaying tactics seldom work, sooner or later I have to make a choice. It’s tempting to press the pause button in the soundtrack of my life. I guess this is when a person comes of age, when you begin to take responsibility for yourself and when you understand that each decision you make has its respective repercussions. I tremble at this fact, on one hand I want to be comfortable and relaxed but on the other side I cannot wait to see just how far can I push myself…what lengths could I accomplish, if I really have what it takes. I know that my desire for comfort must be subdued by my passion and excitement to fulfill my vision. The urgency of the calling of my life is superior to my complacency.
And the prosecutor in me says, “Easier said than done”. True, true, especially now that I am overwhelmed by my suffocating inferiorities. Where the message I want to convey gets lost in translation, where I am easily depressed and discouraged at my inadequacy to keep a decent conversation, where my interests are a whole different dimension from theirs. How can I possibly embrace this change with open arms? As I wrote in a recent journal entry,
“Surprisingly, I feel really naked. Naked in the sense that I have been stripped off of the familiar things that I had thought defined me. Things that I had thought I would have forever. This move has been as sudden as my life support being abruptly plugged out and I emerge drowning in air and yet gasping for it at the same time, leaving me utterly confused at the sudden transition.”
I have made friends here, but it had not stopped me before from feeling lonely amidst a jovial crowd. My loneliness was then masked by a smiley face and an assertive countenance. But the façade wears off. Now, my sadness betrays me.
I don’t like drama. And I don’t like jumping into a melancholic litany. Life is too short for nursing heartbreaks and wallowing in angst. Plus, I never felt comfortable blaming my external environment, like people or circumstances for the crappy things that have happened in my life. Though it’s true that “not everything is about me”, one must always remember that “everything starts in me”. I’ll be treated the way I treat others, and whatever happens to me is just a reflection of who I am and how I look at life. Everything in this world is determined by my attitude. So I don’t engage in “pity-me parties” because I believe that most of the time, all of the hurts that I have felt were self-inflicted. Someone once said, “if you could kick the person responsible for all your troubles in the butt, you wouldn’t be able to sit down for weeks”. I made a decision to “deal with it”. There is always an option to choose from, I could decide to not be affected and to move on. Even though I get easily offended I quickly forget because life is too short for drama. I either ignore it or being the action-result oriented person that I am, I do something about it. Brooding on it and licking old wounds would not change the situation at all.
Right now, I’m lonely, depressed and yes, sometimes I desperately want to go home. But it’s all in my perspective. Remaining in this negative frame of mind would just hinder me from conquering another great adventure in my life- Singapore. So I’ll trash my mourning clothes, wipe off my tears and take deep breaths, there, ready to go.
And though this Pollyanna mode can sometimes switch off, become tiring and make me feel foolish, it’s ok, it happens, we’re not EVEREADY bunnies that keep on going and going and going. What’s important is I don’t become a whimpering coward and back off in what may be the crucial moment for a breakthrough. I may have relapse into negative thinking and get sidetracked but hey, the sun rises anew every morning, I left yesterday behind! Besides, I could never forgive myself if I just watch life pass me by, right?
There! I managed to encourage myself quite a bit…
18:27 Posted in sLiVers oF thOuGhts | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this