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30.07.2006
green-aholic
i really
had nothing much to do...
haha...this ismy last post here in this room at unit 07-01 Block 739 Pasir Ris Drive 10 !!!
we're moving on to Block 483 Pasir Ris Drive 4 yipee!!!
reuben morgan of hillsong led p&w ...awesome man ...
and rev. mike connell of bay city outreach, new zealand shared the word of God, he basically like gave us a crash course on deliverance, like what are demons, what do they do and what JESUS did to defeat them and deliver us...
we had ministry time and a lot of people were set free....
all right!
oh yeah...reuben morgan sang Mighty to Save fresh from the new Hillsong album of the same title....and it's just so awesome the tune is simple but the lyrics...aww...man, how sweet, it's really true and y'know it touches the heart so much....
Everyone needs compassion
Love that's never failing
Let mercy fall on me
Everyone needs forgiveness
The kindness of a Savior
The hope of nations
Savior, He can move the mountains
My God is mighty to save
He is mighty to save
Forever, Author of Salvation
He rose and conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave
So take as You find me
All my fears and failures
Fill my life again
I give my life to follow
Everything I believe in
Now I surrender
Shine your light
And let the whole world see
We're singing
For the glory of the risen King, Jesus
21:00 Posted in scribbling boho | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this | Tags: hillsong mighty to save lyrics, reuben morgan, chc, rev. mike connell
28.07.2006
journals as therapy
when i was 
a kid, i had lots of things to say...and i wanted to be heard but then i found out that the world would not listen to me and so i tried shouting it out loud, really loud, until i screamed so hard i thought my lungs would burst. then i realized it would be of no use, the world has its own parade to follow and i was assigned as a bystander, my shouts became increasingly rare and were reduced to inaudible whispers. but i knew i couldn't contain them, these thoughts brimming forth from my mind like the steam from a geyser.
and it was when i was twelve that i found the joys of personal writing, of articulating how i felt or what i thought from my noisy mind....and eventhough for the past eight years there were times when my privacy was invaded and i was betrayed i still continue journaling, why? because not only does it serve as an avenue for my thoughts, it records every freaky, ugly, beautiful, wonderful, amazing and sometimes insane moments of my life, it helps me learn about myself more, to understand the "self" in general, to act as the keeper of my secrets, and yes sometimes a tool from which i can glean my ficitional stories.
last year i made a pact to be honest in my journals, resisting the urge to rip or tear off the offensive pages scribbled with angst, hatred and bitterness, being honest in my journal helped me to deal with my feelings without the damage that verbal confrontation would cause. when i became honest to myself, i became more accepting of my faults, which i now fondly call as quirks, and then surprisingly i found myself accepting of others also. and when the time comes that the issue or skirmish has been resolved, i just staple the entries shut, i don't believe in unearthing previous hurts...it will just cause more friction.
living in the shadow of denial would just cause me more hurt than the other person...and if it's really too painful to write about it matter-of-factly, i write it in poetry, in poems you can decide how much you reveal without making your reader alienated, without giving in too much information. in my poems especially when i felt bad about this friend (see the post TRAITOR) i was able to air out my feelings without hurting the person involved.
when i really mustered the strength to face myself head-on in the mirror i was able to love myself more; become stronger and more stable, it forced me to face the challenges and not run away, and i thank my journals for that .
17:41 Posted in scribbling boho | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this | Tags: personal journaling, therapy, journal therapy, honesty
25.07.2006
bumbling...
we went to ICA for the extension of our social visit pass, and great news! we have like two more weeks before we receive our PR application...in the words of Butex...OLRAYT! haha...why am i quoting "nevahminds"? haha...jenny if you're reading this i just had to quote him. anyway...hmm...lapsing in my self-imposed self-improvement scheme.
heard great news from FIJ, they prayed for us last saturday, so thankful...
anyway juniper sent me an sms, a reason why my balance is once again dwindling, not that i mind though...haha kinda miss everyone, and tey says the whole block misses me because there's no chatterbox anymore...haha...yeah, right!
i am not that noisy!
i miss poring over medical texts and trying to pronounce the polysyllabic words which really never makes quite an impression on my memory (temporal lobe must function at optimal level). and i miss the CAMP library haha...trying to study, pretending to study, sleeping, browsing unrelated textbooks and looking at all the cute interns (they aren't that many) in short anyhting that doesn't have to do with studying, i only study during saturdays...yeah, a time when there are no classes, and i have to take an hour ride to go to school to study four subjects in eight hours...anyway...studying...who'd thought it'd have this effect on me...
fruity...
22:20 Posted in cOntemplaTioN | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this
24.07.2006
moving on
PACK RAT
today, i slept at past three and woke up at eleven in the morning, and i got up cuz we started to pack! yes! go na ito kung go! It's gonna be great...we'll have our own rooms already...yess!!! Anyway. so much for privacy my sister and i have to share 
the room, but knowing my extremely effective persuasion coupled with sometimes violent coercion (so redundant,it's for emphasis) i think i'll be able to be the queen of the room, and my poor roomie would have to bow down hehe...just kidding.
so we'll still live in pasir ris but it will be a tad nearer to the MRT station, a mere two bus stops away. And we're also about a 15-minute walk away from NTUC Downtonw East, and two bus stops away from Loyang Point Mall, how did i know? well, i think poring over bus guides and road maps just makes you a bit knowledgeable right?
speaking of moving on didn't i sorta promise to chiz that i'll explain the dissipating stuff? well i don't know how it happened or why ...or maybe i do, but it was just gradual, and well...i guess "dissipated" says it all. and yes i know my non-dating, highly strict uninvolved status worthy enough to warrant me a stay at a convent can sometimes drive my friends crazy and they have never, ever failed in "REMEDYING" my uhmm...situation...haha...some faces come to mind and i just cringe every time. like bryan cassidy tan (wow...kumpleto!) and the oh-so-memorable line that april "pornstar" presto dropped at me like a bomb at the CAS library "elle, he has the hots for you"...i almost barfed...chekwa! haha, kawawa naman ako iniiwasan ko ang chekwa, napunta naman ako sa lugar na puro chekwa!!! Pano ba yan? hehe . Of course Kwekie, my dear anak, could never forget the term of endearment that she once bestowed me not only was i her nanay but she also called me "elliegator" and the details of which are too painful to divulge. then there's carrot cake, from the time i saw him inside GAB303 i knew i needed to make an ignore-him-if-you-know-what's-good-for-you strategy. guess what? well, the story is part of an entirely different post so i'll leave it hanging at that. but of course the real "clincher" was "father" hehe...grabe ! i am 1,700 miles away from the philippines and i still receive news about him! <no thanks to juniper!> . he's like in every one of my freshman stories. gasp! what am i talking about?!
and since we're in the topic of moving on,if you have noticed that my posts are quite a bit shaky when it comes to emotions. sometimes happy, most times mad, other times just really lonely, i think that i am experiencing the five stages of GRIEF, also known as DABDA, DENIAL, ANGER, BARGAINING, DEPRESSION, and ACCEPTANCE. now, really i think i have been yoyo-ing in between anger, bargaining and depression but by God's grace i have the strength to take this one day at a time. it seems like nothing right? but did you know that the first month i was seriously considering my break-out plan back to the philippines, yes, i even mapped out a strategy! anyway, i reckoned if God really wanted me to be here, He'll restore my life back, or better yet make something better! and when at times i feel like asking Him why on earth would He uproot me and leave me at my present state of shattered self-esteem, being belittled and not going to school, i hold my tongue and look back to eight years before when we were absolutely stripped of everything and we emerged being equipped and twice as blessed as before! and then i know all i have to do is trust. but i wish the moving on part would be a little quicker.
20:25 Posted in scribbling boho | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this | Tags: pasir ris, moving on, god's grace
can't sleep!!!
i t's about 4am and haven't slept yet...not sleepy...CHIZ if you're reading this, about the stuff i promised you?..well...they dissipated...honestly don't know how, i'll elaborate on it one of these days...one thing's clear though i don't buy the fact that i'm fickle...i can commit, right? can i? hmm...anyway rain check on the message...
03:56 Posted in scribbling boho | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this
22.07.2006
RECOVERED
Today is the first day of the sub-zone thing we call Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. Gals had the spin-off from the hit show Project Runway...ours was called "Fashion Runway". And the XYs had a LAN gaming challenge. I was in Nick's group,yeah, I know, he's a GUY. My sister asked me, "Doesn't it defeat the whole theme of the event? A guy in the women's category?". She DOES have a point but then we are not supposed to be sexist right? And besides there were other guys who passed up the CS gaming and was found sitting on the floor of the Pandan Valley Condominium Function Room gluing on beads at a mary jane (they call it dolly here) shoe. We ran out of time though, so instead of the whole INVASION emblazoned on the back of our model's pants, there were only the letters I, N, V, and a big A in the middle. Louisa, ALex and ...well I didn't really get her name I think it was Joycelyn was also in our group and our model was Valerie (very pretty). I alone in the flat as my parents caught the first insatllment of the "Marriage Builder" Lessons at Church this afternoon. My sister is at White Sands Mall window shopping or maybe at the Library. My brother...well...I dunno... I know my previous post...technically the first post I have was quite a bit biting and acidic. I am so sorry. If I was very offended, it was just exasperating sometimes, I mean our friends have been great, but some of them just don't give us the benefit of the doubt. 
And I was griping to God about, you know how they treat us like uncivilized people...or maybe well a little bit outdated,and then God told me that I am as presumptuous as them , I mean I was shocked at what He said, but then I realized that as humans we're like that. We tend to jusdge people on standards that society dictates us. And sometimes I'll admit it feels good to know that you are better off than someone else...although these time, the tables have turned, and I am that someone else... I asked God to forgive my insolence and pride, and of course to let go of the bitterness I felt . And I guess I just had a bad case of pining for the Philippines, where I had a LIFE, my real FRIENDS, the greatest memories... But then I know that I have a Besy Friend who'll never ever leave me or judge me...and that is worth than anything I have left behind...
19:17 Posted in redeemed boho | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this | Tags: w351, fashion runway, east zone, city harvest
19.07.2006
letting off steam and what-not v 1.0 (no images)
visit: http://bohochick.blogdrive.com for the nicer version
i have loads of things to do yet i manage to blow it all off successfully without feeling any remorse whatsoever. And what, you may ask, are the "loads" of things that i need to accomplish within 24 hours that i couldn't accomplish? Considering that i am practically a part-time bum, holed up in my room at the seventh floor of an HDB flat, procrastination is so passe. It's like you know you have a lot of things to do and you end up doing nothing productive at all.
For one i would like to think that this season in my life is one that involves renewal and improvement. Hmm...sounds good in writing.
Of course there's this desire to come up with a decent form of writing, to find my "voice" and to manage to write in paper all the ideas that are racing through my head from 1 am to 2 am which is why i have eyebags the size of Lake Superior. Anyway, yes, despite the fact that my creative juices have started to leak and there are a million things i want to post here in my dear bloggie, i have successfully wasted my precious internet time ( an hour and a half allocated to each of us) on looking better yet ogling at pictures of johnny depp and orlando bloom ( i watched the PC:Dead Man's Chest last Sunday with CG members, and i found it quite interesting, i mean, i watch and enjoy, not watch and critique, besides, i am in no mood for a session of movie-bashing). Or checking out my awfully quiet friendster account. writing is both a channel to express my creativity and to also de-toxify my soul. To banish un-beautiful thoughts and fears to the netherworld.
There are a lot of things i'd like to say, like how living in Singapore for the past two and a half months has been a humbling experience. I know our friends don't mean it and they may be well-meaning but some assumptions they have (which never go unheard) were at first quite hilarious and then slowly evolved into exasperation then indignation. i am saying this out loud for all in the blogosphere to read not because i want to be justified for feeling these things, but i just need to let this off my chest lest i explode, bringing all the people near me. assuredly, i would feel better if i say this. and if someone concerned read this please understand that i mean no harm, and in no way would like to ridicule you, i just feel so bad everytime these things occur, bad in i-want-to-leave-singa-bloody-pore kind of way.And my sarcastic side just froths out, I mean c'mon really we didn't arrive in Singapore inside a steel cage wearing only loincloths and sporting our clan tattoos and odd body piercings. It was like the documentary i saw during freshman year at university where Americans reported that we Filipinos had tails and resembled monkeys. After this, i swear i would feel released.
Case(s) in point:
The most popular and IRRITATING question we've ever encountered:
"DO YOU SPEAK ENGLISH?"
ANd they ask this s-l-o-w-l-y with this wary look on their faces, thankfully i'm too polite to retort back with my finely honed grammar and diction after years of being part of the editorial staff of our school paper and winning and coaching winners of public-speaking contests ( and i say this without any hint of conceit). Oh, man, we were speaking English before we ever spoke Tagalog! Hello? !
Here are some others:
Scene: My sister is introduced to a SIngaporean
Singaporean: Oh so you live in Philippine (It's Philippines , with an 's' please, our country was named after a Spanish monarch, King Felipe or Philip something, grabe)
NOTE: This scene repeats itself...EVERYTIME
Scene: Brother goes out with friends at well-known restaurant.
Friend: Is this your first time eating at Kenny Rogers?
Brother (who happens to be quite offended): Oh no, in the Philippines we eat at Kenny Rogers but I like Pizz Hut more (bawi!)
Scene: Me talking to a new friend
Friend(totally unassuming): SO you live in a fish farm?
Me(throws head back and laughs out loud).
Fish farm? Miles away dude, the only live fish i see would be from my friend's arowana's tank. ANd then at church they had a play where the Philippines was portrayed as mountainous, agrarian region, i hope that the Department of Tourism is happy about this.
But really it makes me quite sad, i mean regardless of the political turmoil, squalid conditions, increasing oil hikes, corrupt officials, denudation of forests, pollution,killing of journalists and social activists and all the other stuff that makes the Philippines a 3rd world country, i love it with all the love i could possibly give (naks!). I just view this things as a dozen or so quirks that we Filipinos have learned to live with, and laugh at ,which makes us the 17th Happy People in the World (in the words of Ding, yayness!). I mean, we actually laugh at our own expense, and we are happy...quite funny right?
But above all, living in Singapore and facing all the stuff that i described above really makes me sad, granted, Filipinos especially Pinays are known the world over as Domestic Helpers, you know, chimay,longkatuts and other demeaning names you can think of. So it's quite natural for them to react that way, thinking of us as illiterates and stuff like that. I mean favorable impressions are hard to come by. I don't want to use the d-word but then i can't help it. i just feel that it's unfair, i mean one must look at others with an un-varnished eye, and as i said they may be well-meaning but they have absolutely no idea how they have a hand at making my fears come true.
It's humbling living in Singapore, because people expect you to prove yourself, and i am tired of doing just that. i almost destroyed myself by constantly proving myself of worth to everyone and anyone who'd give me the time of day. it's humbling because i was never treated in the Philippines the way people treat me here. it's humbling because for once, though i hate to admit it, i feel ashamed of my country. in a few weeks time we'll receive the approval of our PR application, i can't help it if i feel like a traitor. Hmm...and this is not my motherly streak slash pining to be "wifey" of a certain student rebel mode. i mean it's like sinking into a the lowest of all low-life form. how can you be ashamed of the place of your orientation?
this post's getting way too long, i was supposed to bemoan my procrastination streak but i ended up with a different tone altogether. anyway there's always tomorrow, i am gonna be catching up on some writing, like stories and stuff. my brain is racing so much that i keep a notebook and a pen wherever i go, even when i am just puttering about in the flat, because, you never know when you strike gold with your ideas.
and to those peepz in the philippines, "Utang na loob magparamdam namnan kayo sa yahoo messenger!!! in da words of ibet...grrrr!!"
excess: i am apalled at the recent stuff going on between israel and lebanon, the killing of civilians doesn't justify anything at all. and have you heard of the thing going on in columbia, i just pray that those caught in the rebel territory would find a way out (better yet be rescued by the UN team). and oh, let's also pray for the people in North Korea, i read that 100 people are feared to be missing because of the flood they experienced or are experiencing.
17:35 Posted in ranting boho | Permalink | Comments (1) | Email this
14.07.2006
the quasi-domestic goddess
Tonight, my Mom has found out how to make me bolt like FLASH and accomplish things with super speed, how? easy...starve elle (aka me). Nope she did not starve me...hello? I just had this craving for fried, salty sustenance. And it so happens that my mom only prepared caramelized veggies...well ok chop suey, but it tasted a tad bit too sweet for me...So I pestered her if she could prepare the chicken franks omelette that she said she would, alas, that could not be for as a rule, whenever someone is in front of the laptop, they turn into zombies and only respond to the words, "Time's Up!".
Well, all those times that I have watched the Lifestyle Channel paid off, Jennifer (she always laughs because everytime she calls me at home, I'm watching Martha Stewart fold shirts and stuff). Yes, watching Martha Stewart, Rachel Rae, MArio Batali, Iron Chef and all the other gurus do their thing has helped me in my quest to become a quasi-domestic goddess. Thanks to Tyler Florence who inspired me to make perfect omelettes (by beating the eggs for about fifteen minutes to incorporate the air to make the omelette fluffy), in fact my mom's friends say I make perfect sunny side up eggs, I mastered scrambled eggs when I was in fifth grade.
Then there was the time when I was feeling very Italian and decided to make spaghetti from scratch, literally from scratch mind you, of course the results were not less than disastrous, as my sibs can attest because I liberally doused the sauce with ketchup. ANyway, at least I tried and that was like six years ago so, it's quite forgivable.
One of my successes has been the deep fried breaded calamares which was one of the things I am proud of that I made from scratch again...My sibs this time ate it with much gusto so I am redeemed from the previous mishap. And then there's the fact that I CAN BAKE(----> Insert Hallelujah Chorus here).I bake carrot cakes which earned me the moniker "CARROT CAKE" (and that would be another story). I bake cookies like oatmeal cookies and choc-chip cookies. I can bake and I am proud...
So, I was starving and my mom was shocked at the lightning speed by which I accomplished the task, you know cracking up the eggs, beating them for a while and then cutting up the chicken franks in bite-size pieces, and voila! In less than ten minutes I made dinner...well grammatically correct one would be... I prepared dinner. And now, all I can say is ...BURP!!!
PS i dunno if i can wake up tomorrow early, cell group has prayer meeting tomorrow at 11am, and i only sleep at 2 or 3 am...
22:50 Posted in ranting boho | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this | Tags: domestic goddess, martha stewart, lifestyle channel, cooking, baking
pahabol....
eeep! i think i am way too much getting senile, i forgot to include another poem for Carina ( in case you have joined me just now, my friend and former classmate just commissioned me to write poems on disability for their org's contest). anyhow, i'll post it here just in case,someone else might need it (see sidebar for copyright restrictions)
I REFUSE
you have had the chance
to alter my life forever
and so you did with diligence
like a scythe to a flower
you thought you had won
i became a shadow of my past
though parts of me are gone
i am not left downcast
i refuse
to back down
i refuse
to let pity lord over my life
i refuse
to be boxed
never reaching full height
i refuse
to let the world judge me from the outside
Listen----
for with every breath
i learn to live again
for with every twitch
i learn to laugh
for with every painful step
i'm reminded
what being human is all about
i refuse
to admit that i'm a little less
i refuse
to concede that i am second-best
i refuse
to give-up
nor even stop to rest
i refuse
to live without acing the test
22:22 Posted in waxing poetic boho | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this | Tags: disability poems
pathology of an insomniac
hmm...2 am already i cannot sleep as always, methinks i am developing insomnia...
anyway, i heard schools' cancelled classes today in the Philippines, because of the typhoon, news like that makes me thankful that i am here in S'pore and not there being drenched or worse knee-deep in (God only knows what unidentified floating objects rainwater).
ok...
now...
what?
been a long day eh...i slept at 2 am yesterday woke up at 7:30am and now i am still up, i just happen to take a nap for 30 minutes...
Mr. Sandman where are you?
Probably with the Easter Bunny or the Tooth Fairy...
This is the view from the window of our sonn-to-be vacated flat, our first Singapore address, Block 739 Pasir Ris Drive 10...I'm gonna miss this place, for one, I this place symbolizes my emotional roller coaster ride.
Grr...people cannot sleep because of the tap-tap of my fingers on the keyboard...have to count sheep, or maybe ermmm....palm trees?
ciao! g'mornin'
02:17 Posted in ranting boho | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this