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30.08.2006
spongecola
19:14 Posted in sLiVers oF thOuGhts | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this
29.08.2006
On Blog Leave
Yeah I know, the previous post is very crummy, very gripe-y and so immature. Well, that's the way I saw things, but then I considered how Singapore is so diverse and maybe that's the way they are. And the thing is I have to live with it (how come it sounds so painful?).
Tsk, tsk, anyhow, blog leave officially starts today.
Look forward to a more mature, wiser and albeit zanier me!
toodles!
in case you were wondering...this is the re-enactment of my FAINTING SPELL at GAB 303 haha...wala lang...Thanks Carisse for making that day indelible in my mind!
19:38 Posted in cOntemplaTioN | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this
27.08.2006
a long post: pouring out my heart
COMBAT: ELLE vs. DEPRESSION
Whenever I am tempted to purchase a return ticket to the Philippines (a thought which has occured to me countless of times) because I'm thinking, "I can't put up with the loneliness, with the depression, with the lack of meaningful connection" I stop myself, and almost like some mantra, I think of the quote that I posted last friday, and what I said when I posted it:
I AM WILLING TO PUT MYSELF THROUGH ANYTHING;
TEMPORARY PAIN OR DISCOMFORT MEANS NOTHING
TO ME AS LONG AS I CAN SEE THAT THE EXPERIENCE
WILL TAKE ME TO A NEW LEVEL. I AM INTERESTED IN
THE UNKNOWN, AND THE ONLY PATH TO THE UNKNOWN
IS THROUGH BREAKING BARRIERS.
I am not allowing myself to wallow in self-pity and gloat over the former days. I dwell on this quote and other stuff to strengthen me and to help me forget the unbelievable loneliness that I feel, it's like as I said before, a loneliness so strong that you not only struggle on the inside but it's so paralyzing that fighting it off becomes physically taxing as well. I was reading Ala Paredes's blog (Jim Paredes of APO fame's talented and gorgeous daughter) and I just learned that they had migrated to Australia and you know what? I find that I am not loco for feeling the the way I'm feeling.This is what she said:
I am a new immigrant, and I'm still hilo when it comes to processing this experience. There have been many struggles, many challenges that I can't even attach a name to, powerful emotions I can't seem to identify.
I also read her brother's blog, man the guy has the worst case of homesickness I know, funny thing is I can relate! Although I can't post his entries here because they're in Tagalog and I would use a lot of *bleeps*.
Well, at least Ala doesn't have the language barrier! I freak out everytime someone suddenly blurts out something in Chinese (My reaction= ME talking to myself colour draining from her face: uh-oh, here we go again) and then they'd all laugh or comment in Chinese, do you know how that feels? It's like I'm suspended in midair,my extremities are flailing and I have to be in that position for duration of the conversation then I'd come back on earth, specifically Singapore again. Pero di ba di naman maganda yun? Parang maledukado yun at least ganun ako pinalaki ng nanay ko na I shouldn't talk in a language that another wouldn't understand.All those times I WANTED, BEGGED, PRAYED THAT THE SURFACE OF THE EARTH WHERE I WAS STANDING ON WOULD OPEN UP AND SWALLOW ME ALIVE AND THEN I'D JUST POKE MY HEAD EVERY NOW AND THEN FROM THAT HOLE. I can't help myself if I feel ostracized, right?
There are times when people would sweep their eyes from my head down to my feet like scanners and I get this creepy feeling that they are sizing me up if I'm ok or not. Quite frustrating, because I feel...USELESS, and I'm not used to feeling that, I'm a very goal-oriented person and to be here and just bumming out, passing everyday as ok when I know I lead a quasi-life is very ...very...ARGH!It's not so much as missing the people back home, it's more of integrating myself, saan ako lulugar? I was used to activities and moving about being productive...
Everytime something sad or uncomfortable happens, I just think, 'God, I know You have a reason why I'm feeling this, why I'm experiencing this, why I feel so left out". To be frank may be I'm just "putting up" with all this things in my life because I love God,and if it weren't for me being a Christian, (actually it's not really about being a Christian, it's about loving Jesus )I would have backed out, Sayonara Singapore! I mean who in their right mind would let themselves go through the pain and discomfort of uprooting and moving in a foreign country with absolutely no other relatives around (another thing that Ala doesn't have to deal with), who would allow their academic careers to be put on hold, to COMPLETELY MESS UP, DELETE, ERASE, FORGET the LIFE PLANS that one has drawn up? Whatever happens to me I know it'll be for my good, didn't God say that in Jeremiah 29:11?
Whenever I feel lonely I just go to Him. Knowing that there will be a double recompense for my shame (Isaiah). God, I am humbled...please don't let go of Your hand!
Birthday Card
I thank my blockmates for the birthday card...soooo sweet...love you all...mommy loves you, make me proud! You can all master Anatomy, Physiology, PhysDys and PsychDys (did I get all of them...oh cripes! I forgot MRL!). Just give your best shot! And remember to rest ah? Miss ko na kayo sobra! Tell me bout the internship...keep on going strong block 20!
Training the Mind
I've been brainwashing myself these past week. It's a tough mental battle! But I'm taking responsibility.
On Blog Leave
Yes, I'll be on blog leave for an indefinite span of time, that's why this is a pretty long post. I have been doing a lot of thinking recently, and I had this wonderful thought. I have a lot of time on my hands and few people have this privelege. I realized that I could start to be serious in writing again! I am now on the "birthing" stages of this "book" that I want to create and it's Sabrina Ward Harrison meets Maya Angelou with a Christian tone, I'm thinking it's gonna take four to five months until I complete it, but my head is just swimming with all the things I want to put in there. I've started on mood pages and sketches and also some pieces of poetry. Then I really am amazed because I have ideas for essays, poems and stories(which I will post here). I am so excited at the stuff I'll be throwing myself into. So many things to write about!
Christian by Maya Angelou
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not shouting "I'm clean livin."
I'm whispering "I was lost,"
Now I'm found and forgiven.
When I say..."I am a Christian"
I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble
and need CHRIST to be my guide.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak
and need HIS strength to carry on.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed
and need God to clean my mess.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not claiming to be perfect,
My flaws are far too visible
but, God believes I am worth it.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I still feel the sting of pain,
I have my share of heartaches
So I call upon His name.
When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not holier than thou,
I'm just a simple sinner
who received God's good grace, somehow.
~Maya Angelou~
Of course, you can read my everyday blog, if you want updates on what's happening to me.
Ciao people see you guys soon!
18:45 Posted in ranting boho | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this | Tags: blog leave, language barrier, Ala Paredes, Diana Nyad, Depression, Lost
26.08.2006
Pinoy Expressions and Self-Deprivation
I try not to be wordy when I write in my blogs, and I try not to be superficial that the post would not warrant a good read. But then...darn! I lost my train of thought.
MOOD for the day: Haven't decided on it yet...
I am dreadfully tired...
Whatever, I miss saying pinoy expressions like:
Talaga lang...
Eh ano ngayon
Ang cute, cute mo talaga
Ay, ambot
Kamusta ka naman?
Toinkz
Owws?
And my mind is preoccupied, it shouldn't be troubling for some, but for me it's a real struggle because it's something I have promised myself to steer clear from, and I know no one's asking me to do it, I mean God didn't even explicitly forbid it, it is perfectly ok for everyone, everyone that is not including me. Not because I am trying to punish myself, on the contrary I'm trying to protect myself and others in this commitment that I made.
I have to physically steer myself in another direction, and when I feel that I'm gonna succumb, give in, throw caution to the wind (so many cliches!), I just talk back at myself on how much progress I've made. I'm not taking any risks, I only take calculated risks, not stupid risks.
I've had so many detours already, it's like the saying, "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me" or something like that, once in UP at an OT lecture, Ms. Vargas taught as that "Learning is a permanent change in behavior when one assimilates/accommodates information". The information may not even be new, and now I want to prove that by sticking to this commitment I have definitely learned something. It may look like I'm depriving myself...but it's a done deal, and I'm never gonna turn back on my word (Seriously my English professors will freak if they see a "gonna" in my writings!).
23:50 Posted in scribbling boho | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this
25.08.2006
Backtrack: Serenade
of SERENADES
Of course by now you know that Tagalog songs have been floating in and out of my thoughts these days, and this one by Parokya ni Edgar really "haunts" me because this song was my FIRST INFORMAL SERENADE, haha, because:
1. FIRST- technically my first serenade was a SIAKOL song Di Mo Ba Alam? trans. as Don't You Know? (I know, the artists are all rockstars, haha, not your typical serenade songs, eh?) and it wasn't really a LIVE performance.(In short, he wasn't the one who sang, he used the wonders of modern technology-by pressing the PLAY button).
2. INFORMAL- It was not planned, the guy who "led" the serenade did no scheming with my parents, did not go to our house (it happened at the school's large outdoor stage where everyone could see you).
3.SERENADE- There was a guitar player and about four or so back-up vocalists and the guy was just sitting beside me, actually, a little bit far away from me, like maybe two feet.
It was spontaneous, no one really planned it, and I certainly did not want to be serenaded in the state that I was in (background info: I had been crying, my eyes were so red, my hanky was so drenched, and I had just ran away from where the basketball tournament was being held, so I was sweating profusely in my school uniform). The song, Halaga (literally means Worth or Value), was so apt at our situation back then, it was the time where my life resembled a soap opera, and my friends were absolutely loving the storyline. It's kinda funny because this was exactly the state we were in.
Here's the song,
Umiiyak ka na naman
Langya talaga , wala ka bang ibang alam
Namumugtong mga mata
Kailan pa ba kaya ikaw magsasawa
II. Sa problema na iyong pinapasan
Hatid sayo ng boyfriend mong hindi mo maintindihan
May kwento kang pandrama na naman
III.Parang pang TV na walang katapusan
Hanggang kailan ka bang ganyan
Hindi mo ba alam na walang pupuntahan
Ang pagtiyaga mo dyan sa boyfriend mong tanga
Na wala nang ginagawa kundi ang paluhain ka
Chorus:
Sa libu-libong pagkakataon na tayoy nag-kasama
Iilang ulit palang kitang makitang masaya
Naiinis akong isipin na ginaganyan ka nya
Siguro ay hindi niya lang alam ang iyong
Tunay na halaga
IV. Hindi na dapat pag-usapan pa
Nagpapagod na rin ako sa aking kakasalita
Hindi ka rin naman nakikinig
Kahit sobrang pagod na ang aking bibig
V. Sa mga payo kong di mo pinapansin
Akala mo’y nakikinig di rin naman tatanggapin
Ayoko nang isipin pa
Di ko alam ba’t di mo makayanan na iwanan sya
VI. Ang dami-dami naman diyang iba
Wag kang mangangambang baka wala ka nang ibang Makita
Na lalake na magmahal sayo
At hinding hindi nya sasayangin ang pag-ibig mo
VII. Minsan hindi ko maintindihan
Parang ang buhay natin ay napagti-tripan
Medyo Malabo yata ang mundo
Binabasura ng iba ang siya’y pinapangarap ko
Basically, the song is about this guy talking to a girl who's always been crying because her boyfriend treats her like trash. The guy's is asking why the girl puts up with so much drama, always standing up for the obviously jerk of a boyfriend who enjoys making her cry that it has become a habit.Actually when they sang that part of the song, they emphasized the word "PALUHAIN" which means "making you cry", because obviously he (not the one who initiated the serenade) was always making me cry. The chorus says, of the countless times that the guy and the girl had spent time together, he rarely saw her smile or laugh, or just be happy, and he gets pissed off just thinking about how bad the boyfriend treats the girl, the last two lines say that maybe the boyfriend just can't see how valuable the girl is.
The second stanza says that there shouldn't be any discussion, the guy is getting tired from giving the girl a piece of his mind on the relationship, and besides the girl isn't even listening to what he's been saying all along. He really can't see why the girl just can't leave the guy, and the following lines, reveal why the singer is so intent in talking to the girl, he's saying that there are a lot of guys who would love to take care of her and love her, she shouldn't feel anxious that no one else would love her, and besides there's someone who wouldn't throw her love away.
I like the last part, Medyo malabo yata ang mundo, binabasura ng iba ang siyang pinapangarap ko...which means the "world can get a little screwed, some people treat with disdain the one thing that I've been dreaming of, the only thing I have ever hoped for"
So sweet right?
But then, I forgot what happened next.
EXCESS: I RECEIVED MY BIRTHDAY CARD FROM THE PHILIPPINES TODAY>>>post on it tomorrow
22:15 Posted in pinay boho | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this | Tags: first serenade, parokya ni Edgar Halaga
24.08.2006
dust off the ground
there's strength in your power thighs,
like a thousand thundering hooves
across the track,
beads of water, drop into big pools
only to be sucked in by the parched soil
and as i watch along the stands
i have to wonder
you've proved me wrong again
unmistakable
weathered look in your face
betrays the fire of determination
from the ember of your eyes
exhilarated, with each step
barely touching the ground,
you fly
and looking at you
just makes me feel alive
Note: I chose a girl subject for the pic b'cos a guy would raise eyebrows and another part of my "completely freaky" past would resurface, some secrets are reserved for some people, so if you are in the know, do keep your mouth shut. thank you very much.
I just thought of this hmm.. poem straight off, sometimes I do allow myself to be spontaneous, and let the words flow naturally. I am becoming quite old, because I'm too rigid with my writing, I have to "fray" myself open.
23:45 Posted in waxing poetic boho | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this
23.08.2006
news from home
I was YM-ing with Eysa, Jenny, Tey,and Ate Betty last night and I learned a few things
from Ate Betty
- She will be starting cell group @ Christelle's house
from Eysa
-Malayang Pilipino Band along with some members of their youth band will go to China this September to perform at a Festival
-Kuya Edgar and Ate Tin will be "tying the knot" on September 24 (Eysa says it's great, 'cause September is turning out to be a pretty boring month at least with the wedding on there's an excuse to dress up)
from Jenny
- Bea's brother is pseudo-courting her...uhmm...expressing interest but still unsure...
-my beloved block(BS Occupational Therapy SN2004) has snail-mailed me a b-day card (aww...so sweet) but there's a teensy weensy thing that's been bothering em ever since I found out that the "block profile" thing was just a cover-up for acquiring my address (very subtle, juniper...) methinks I gave the wrong address!
Ayun lang naman, if ever I missed anything then, it would be posted a little later...am doing a write-up now, it's entitled Changing Lenses, something about perspective. Have done the rough draft but I need to refine it more (Yup, I am serious about writing).
Grabe! This song from Shamrock just keeps playing in my head, I think this is from the My Sassy Girl Chun Yang, Korean TV show, an Ariel Rivera original, but I like Shamrock's version better (partly because their debut single Ms. Serious really caught my attention,Marc Tupaz has such a great voice, and he looks great whatever hairstyle he's sporting) and because it has that "rock" side to it.
So forgive me if I am being quite sappy here, oh man! it's already 11pm got BS tomorrow @SUNTEC, anyway...
Naaalala Ka
Shamrock
O kay sarap ng may minamahal
Ang daigdig ay may kulay at buhay
At kahit na may pagkukulang ka
Isang halik mo lang limot ko na
Kay sarap ng may minamahal
Asahan mo pagibig ko'y tunay
At nais ko laging kapiling ka
Alam mo bang tanging ligaya ka
Chorus:
Sa tuwina'y naaalala ka
Sa pangarap laging kasama ka
Ikaw ang alaala sa 'king pagiisa
Wala nang iibigin pang iba
Kay sarap ng may minamahal
Asahan mo pagibig kong tunay
At nais na laging kapiling ka
Alam mo bang tanging ligaya ka?
Sa tuwina'y naaalala ka
Sa pangarap laging kasama ka
Ikaw ang alaala sa 'king pagiisa
Wala ng iibigin
Ikaw ang alaala sa'king pagiisa
Wala nang iibigin pang iba
(repeat chorus)
Wala na pang iba
Wala na pang iba
Wala na.......... pang iba
Kilig! haha...for no apparent reason, so don't get any weird ideas why I'm suddenly humming to this tune...not suddenly actually...
23:29 Posted in pinay boho | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this | Tags: Malayang Pilipino. Shamrock, Naalala Ka Lyrics
it's all in the mind
Whenever my anxiety attack would start acting up Peeward would tell me that "it's all in the mind", which really got me frustrated because I was putting in so much effort to overcome the physiological effects like hyperventilating,stiffening of my extremities, and other stuff, and then he tells me that. And then when I finally succumb (by then I'd be clutching the BLUE CARD from the Philippine General Hospital,lying on my back on a stretcher) I'd be mad at myself for not being "strong" enough to deal with whatever was causing the attack.
My mind has been playing tricks on me, I was able to "diagnose" myself as having a physiological reaction to an underlying psychological dilemma.
It's ALL in the MIND.
Easier said than done, and I know "programming" the mind is difficult especially when one has allowed it to run around. But I am going to change all of that...And I know discipline is such a harsh word (the last time I really tried it I ended up covered with sweat, blood and all the dust the outdoor gym could cough up). But it's for my own good, and I know I sometimes it will require me making drastic changes, but then if I really want to be someone I could be proud of, I'd do whatever it takes.
And boy was I tested last night, really bad case of getting offended at the smallest thing, I'm reminded of the phrase "shooting my own foot with a gun" , how many times I could have avoided something from happening if i had just kept my mouth shut or gave my excellente.
So now, I am trying to think on things which are true, noble, just, pure, and of good report. Which in retrospect makes me think that I have trash almost 90% of what I am thinking about.
16:00 Posted in scribbling boho | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this | Tags: thinking good thoughts, anxiety attack
21.08.2006
tagalog post...
Ayun, I promised to post in tagalog...pero since I also sometimes suck at speaking my "mother" tongue eh, I'll settle on TAGLISH, pero NOT in the Coñotic kind of way, reserved lang yun kay Alexis (haha! peace!)
Haha...ang weird talaga...kanta ng ITCHYWORMS keeps playing on my mind, I know it's rather old pero it's Alexis's fault.
Yung kanta nilang "Akin Ka Na Lang"...maybe because of the weird dream that I had, akalain mo may continuation pa kasi...haay...ibang klaseng LSS(Last Song heard Syndrome) ito, on the other hand di siya classified as LSS kasi di ko naman siya recently narinig...haay..
Akin ka na lang
Liligaya ka sa pag-ibig ko
Akin ka na lang
At wala nang hihigit pa sa ‘yo
Wala nang hihigit pa sa ‘yo (akin ka na lang)
i'm not wistful all of a sudden, ganda lang kasi ng melody (coming from me I doubt that)...chatting with tey now, showing me the lone picture of ezra...her ultimate crush,haha...na wla naman masyadong kwenta dahil naka-sideview...haha...aba...ayun lang...ano ako speechless? nakikinig ako ngayon sa Buses and Trains.Hay naku...
Siempre...sa mga ganitong panahon hinahanap-hanap ko ang mga phazies...
grr...
17:37 Posted in pinay boho | Permalink | Comments (11) | Email this
20.08.2006
grateful.happy.inspired.pumped up.
what a birthday it has been.
first birthday in Singapore.
3 powerpacked sessions with Dr. A.R. Bernard.<emerging not only EDUCATED,ENCOURAGED and EMPOWERED, but most of all THANKFUL for the privilege to hear such wonderful life-changing messages>.
i know i haven't been thankful lately...i've been placing a big magnifier on the negative things rather than on the miracles, albeit to some trivial or maybe insignificant, that have taken my family into a whole new level.
so here's a list of what i'm thankful to God:
1.for a stronger spiritual life...
2.for my family that is going strong in unity and faith
3. for the peepz i left back home who email and YM me despite their demanding academic endeavors (especially Jennifer, Chiz, Keg, Badoh, Yna, Irish...and the list goes on)
4. for peace and good health
5. for Pastor Kong and Sun for inspiring me and just...wow!
6. for being in City Harvest Church, it's an honor to be part of this family...
7.for new friends especially in W351,hope you guys could give me more time to "open up"
8. for my bro's (E99) and sis' (E353) cell group...for sometimes "adopting" me when i'm all alone.
9. for being able to conquer my fears
10. for Him who has been my inspiration and source of strength...
ever since i got delivered when Rev. Mike Connell was here in Singapore, i knew that i had to take care of what i was thinking, (which was reiterated today by Dr. A.R.Bernard). So i wrote down some quotes and verses on Post-It notes and i stuck it in my cabinet doors that everytime i get something from my cabinet i'll be able to read it, say it out loud and basically assimilate the inspiring words into my mind.
whenever i feel like down and wishing for a one-way ticket to the Philippines i read this quote from Diana Nyad:
I AM WILLING TO PUT MYSELF THROUGH ANYTHING;
TEMPORARY PAIN OR DISCOMFORT MEANS NOTHING
TO ME AS LONG AS I CAN SEE THAT THE EXPERIENCE
WILL TAKE ME TO A NEW LEVEL. I AM INTERESTED IN
THE UNKNOWN, AND THE ONLY OATH TO THE UNKNOWN
IS THROUGH BREAKING BARRIERS.
which kinda puts things in perspective for me...
17:50 Posted in scribbling boho | Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this