tHe bOho cHicK v 1.0

It is no secret that in recent months I gave been in and out of relatively low emotional states. I seriously considered that maybe, I came ill-equipped for this new chapter in my life. The increasing bouts I have with depression has sometimes found me in tears.

Recently I have even found myself creeping under my bed, tears streaming down my face, begging God to kill me right then and there. Everything was too much. I reasoned out that if I were dead I would not disappoint myself for how crummy I've been doing lately and most of all I would not be too much of a disappointment to God Himself. It would spare both of us the agony, I thought to myself. I was in essence quitting on my life. "Just to take me home, Lord", I pleaded.

Some people would dismiss this as a pathetic emotional outburst, most would ask me why I did not call for help. In response to the latter, everyone has their own issues to deal with, people have a tough time sorting themselves out, why should I agitate them with more emo baggage? I would admit that I too, would think of myself as pathetic. If I were a casual observer I'd probably tell myself, " Just pick yourself up. You gotta be strong, don't let your emotions get a hold of you". Easier said than done.

Now please do not accuse me of not trying to curb these feelings. In reality it had to come to a point where warding off these negative thoughts became physically taxing. I tried to preoccupy my mind with activities that will distract me from hosting a pity party with "it's my party and I can cry if i want to" theme. I would spontaneously burst forth in song just to keep my mind off of the unwanted, depressing thoughts that seek to wreak havoc on my psyche.

As I was having my quiet time a few nights ago, I asked God to strengthen me with His Word-as Leslie Ludy would say it the TRUTH SERUM. Truth banishes fear, ignorance, and inaction. I asked God to minister to me regarding my roller coaster emotions.

He walked where I walked, He stood where I stand

He felt what I feel, He understands

He knows my frailty, Shared my humanity

Tempted in every way, Yet without sin

God with us, so close to us

God with us, Emmanuel

In Isaiah it is written that God is with us, our Emmanuel. As I was reminded of this song from Don Moen, I realized that God was with me even when I felt alone and that no one cared (enough to intervene).

Then, a thought was planted in my mind, I quickly took my Bible and prayerfully asked the Lord to lead me to His word and confirm the idea that came to me. I came to the end of the book o f Hebrews, after skimming the most part of the New Testament, two words caught my eye "High Priest", and I knew I was in the right track. My fingers led me to Hebrews 4: 15

For we do not have a High Priest who cannot sympathize with

our weakness, but was in all points tempted as we are yet without

sin.

I was greatly comforted, Jesus cares! Reading a bit further, I understood that He was not letting me go through this alone, He understands me! I need not feel foolish or shameful.

He felt the things I have been feeling. Not only that, but He had been ridiculed, rejected, spat on and tortured. He became man, then He could relate to me. He did not demand His rights nor stressed who he was. His identity as Son of God was questioned by some, He was mocked and yet He remained sinless. Jesus knew His purpose and because of that sin and negative thoughts did not enter and pollute His life. He overcame this things. Which is great news for me! I am not only assured that Jesus knows what I am going through, but the Bible also says that He'll help me with the issues I face and emerge more like Him. The Message Bible says it this way:

Now that we know what we have- Jesus, this great High Priest with

ready access to God-let's not let it slip through our fingers. We do not

have a priest who is out of touch with our reality. He's been through

weakness and testing, experienced it all- all but the sin. So let's walk

right up to Him and get what He is so ready to give. Take the mercy,

accept the help.

Hebrew 4:14-16