tHe bOho cHicK v 1.0

      ---->brain dumping session starts now<----

my affable personality seems to have packed her bags and left...hopefully for a much-needed vacation to the Bahamas to recharge or the worst-case scenario, retreating to a monastic lifestyle. or am i just getting older?

tsk...tsk...

Haven't come up with a decent poem yet, maybe i need to spend more time in the toilet? funny thing is, i get verses to flow in my head when i am inside the tiled fortress, regardless of my purpose for being there (catch my drift?). i just read ate betty's email to me, and she asked if i could give any of the songs i have composed for the upcoming album of the Malayang Pilipino Youth Band in the Philippines. i have to think about it, because i think my works are sometimes crappy, and i know we must give GOd the best. anyway, that was just a thought, as for my lack of inspiration in being a wordsmith, i find that i often start poems with "sometimes" or "i feel" whenever i get stuck in this poetic rut.

i guess a visit to the library would kindle the fire in me, angst doesn't seem to work for me anymore, unless of course i regress into a previous stage in my life, but then it would totally be unthinkable as i want to completely eradicate such attitudes along with their corresponding memories from my cerebral cortex. i dare not use my amygdala for decision-making ever again.anyway, as i said, i'm in a very melancholic mood, considering that i am classified as a  choleric, ENFJ, type A personality. to explain the contradicting state of my personality now and its previous classificatio, i'll refresh my memory with some OT151 lectures:

CHOLERIC:one of the four temperaments (sanguine, phlegmatic, melancholic); usually characterized as bold, bossy, eager to share their views, has strong initiative,impulsive, seldom gloomy, likes to lead, action-oriented person.

type A: loves to multi-task, action-oriented, prone to outbursts, driven, highly-motivated.

ENFJ: has exceptional interpersonal skills, understands and loves people, value other people's needs, see the big picture, good leaders, make for great counselors, teachers, therapists and entrepreneurs (some famous ENFJs are King David, Oprah and Johnny Depp)

SO there is this big discrepancy between the personality assessment and my current behavior. It's either i cheated on the psych tests (which is inconceivable because i've taken them countless of times and yet i have achieved the same results) or i have bipolar disorder (which is unacceptable, i may be a little bit weird but loony? i beg to differ!).

Then this third option crops up, i'm just plain tired, i beleive this one. As my friend Mo once said, "I can be very friendly but i don't have to be every single day, sometimes i choose to be friendly or not". Here! Here! My friends would usually remark that i am a very friendly gal, Bea once said that i could run for office in student council with all the fellas i know (plus the connections). During our freshmen orientation for University, my block mates thought i was an upperclassman assigned to assist them because i rounded all of them up and introduced myself, they were ever so shocked when they found out i was one of them! that was why they voted...ermmm..."thrusted" me into the role of block head (a decision i hope they never regretted). Yes, i could strike up a conversation with anyone, i cna make you feel that i've known you for so long even though i had just met you, but sometimes, it's exhausting to be able to be amiable all the time.

haha...no one...not even my friends believe that, me, the girl named Ms. Congeniality on the Freshmen Orientation?<sigh>

bemoaning this fact wouldn't do me much good...

i think i'm spending too much time on "what was" than "what could be"

----->END OF BRAIN DUMPING SESSION<------

utterly scared.

beyond my wits...

thoughts that were wafting through my head...

"what am i doing here?"

michael buble's "HOME" playing in the background...

terrified, weird accents, weird dialects, felt uneasy...

methinks i'm getting quite a bit old, novel experiences scare me and make me feel...

lemme see...

oh, yes,

threatened!

i miss home, i miss classmates and friends, i miss cable tv (HOUSE), i miss tagalog, i miss UP (who would have known?).

I did not know that the scanner was placed beneath this sign, so I placed the card ( used at buses and MRT) at the wrong place and the alarm went off and people were looking at me like I haven't done it before (which really, i haven't right)

you've ever felt that you wanted to blend in the crowd but manage to draw even more attention to yourself? that was me...

I went to church, grabe, 7000 people in attendance, and it was a 'normal' thing, you know having that kind of number, are all Singaporeans, you know, Christians?

Rev. Casey Treat spoke about 'renewing the mind' through the 'truth' which is God's Word...and by knowing this and walking in it, a Christian will prosper in every aspect.

i bravely fought the storm
desperate for the warmth

of the home that is you

i gave the tears away

surrendered my remedy

to know you are still waiting

still in love with me

this life has led me to  you

you are my solace, my dream

you are my TRUTH

there is none that i would regret

nothing will replace you

'til my last breath...

and you will walk away

on a november morn

you smile as you disappear

and i do not call out your name

tears do not fall, i just cave in

you returned from whence you came

and i am alone

This is actually taken from the line of Sylvia Plath's poem Mad Girl's love Song which I read in http://livewire.blogspirit.com.I kinda felt it was a good phrase to start with.

I could never see your face

but you fill up the empty space

makes me think that i just

made you up inside my head

an illusion from a brain contussion and I

could never forget...

But how you smiled at me

and it made me feel complete

with the flick of the wrist

fate gave a twist and you're gone

i always went back to where you were

waiting if something else stirred and

as I lay with images of you floating

around my bed

i wonder, if I just made you up inside of my head...

It was already three o’ clock and Jessie could not believe that in an hour the weeks’ preparation will finally be over. At least it will be worth it, she sighed. She looked around her, the makeshift workshop her org-mates had set up at the deck of the Sociology building was in frenzy, sort of like Santa’s workshop when Christmas nears. It was a good thing that the deck had a sunroof at least their pieces would not fly away and be left lying on the university grounds. Everyone from the department was there; even the professors were busy helping the students. They were like little elves, sewing away, hammers pounding rhythmically on the crate for the set pieces, busy perking models up, and putting the finishing touches to the props they had made. And they had their very own Santa too, though not the white bearded, fat guy, instead they had Mimi, the pencil-thin, giraffe-necked, chirpy girl, she even has Santa’s disposition. Mimi is the president of the Student Council for the Sociology Department of which Jessie is the Vice-Presidents for External Affairs. “All right people, let us make the whole department proud,” she would say to them, she had this sweet smile that captured everyone and managed to persuade anyone to do whatever she wants, though not in a manipulative way. Mimi just made people feel that they were enjoying themselves although in ordinary circumstances the work will be so boring and tedious. Springer University’s Annual Fashion & Passion Week was a huge success as it was every year. Every department had participated during the week long fair where there were lots of band performances both from the student body and professional bands, games and booths, food stalls that offered almost any type of food, from the delicatessen to the exotic and inter-department contests featuring not only the students but also the faculty and administrators as well. The celebration will cap off with a fashion show that will capture the essence of each department. The Sociology Department of Springer University has always had a place in the competition but the last time they bagged the first prize was two years ago, and now they are really hoping they could win it this time around. “WHAT? You have got to be kidding!,” Mimi shrieked. Jessie almost pricked her finger with the needle she was holding while sewing the beads on the chiffon cloth. Jessie looked up to find Mimi on the verge of tears while talking to Bern, the guy in charge of the models. Bern was also the Vice-President for Internal Affairs. Jessie stood up and left the cloth on the work table to approach Mimi and Bern, she could sense there was trouble. As she neared them, Mrs. Hernandez, the head of the Department reached Bern and Mimi two. “What is the problem here Mimi?,” Mrs. Hernandez asked. She was about fifty years old. She was wearing a pinstripe suit and under it a light blue blouse, she did not look at all like fifty. She was very graceful and her short hair was always neatly blow-dried and teased upward. She had an easy smile and an endearing laugh, Jessie doesn’t know if there really IS an endearing laugh but Jessie knew if there was one, Mrs. Hernandez’ laugh was that kind. Nevertheless, everyone can be fooled by her sweet demeanor, inside the lecture room, Mrs. Hernandez is toxic as toxic can get. She required countless papers, researches, community immersions and interviews. It was obvious that she had the passion for sociology and teaching. But Jessie enjoyed having her as her professor for a semester in THREE subjects, plus the fact that she was also her academic adviser. “Oh, nothing major ma’am, I am sure we could find a replace-,” Mimi said nervously. “Wait, did you say a replacement?,” Mrs. Hernandez asked her, this time with eyebrows raised. At this point Bern spoke up. “It seems that one of our models have been missing ma’am,” Bern said, his voice exuding calmness. Bern Santiago was also a junior like Jessie. He was very active in student council activities and excelled academically. He was charming to everyone and kind too. There was no doubt in Jessie’s mind that Bern will be the next Student Council president. With his mestizo looks, public speaking prowess and strategist brain, he was on his way to a political career. “That is NOT good,” Mrs. Hernandez replied. Mimi was thinking thoughtfully. “We know that ma’am,” Bern said. “We will find a replacement for Helen in no time, or we could just have a model take two walks”. “But that can’t be possible because we cannot showcase all our creations then,” Jessie reminded Bern. “Oh, I forgot about that,” Bern said as he slapped his hand to his head. Then he straightened his shoulders. “Not to worry Mimi I’m on the case, may be one of the seamstress’ could model for us? Anyway I’m off!” Then Bern went to the dressing room made of patched up curtains. “I wonder where that boy gets his optimism from,” Mrs. Hernandez remarked, and then turning to Mimi, “You must make sure everything will turn out okay today, Mimi” “Yes, ma’am,” Mimi said as the professor walked away. Mimi faced Jessie, she was looking distraught. “Come on. Mims, everything will be fine,” Jessie said as she tried to comfort Mimi. “You’ve been through a lot this month, don’t worry everything will hold up”. Jessie gave Mimi a hug. “I just hope so, this is like, my legacy to this darned Department, I don’t want to blow it, I’ve been planning this since I was a freshman,” Mimi’s muffled voice explained. Jessie let her go. “Thanks, Jess”. “Anyway got to go back to my sewing,” Jessie said cheerfully. As Jess turned to leave, Mimi called out to her. “Hey Jess,”She called out, Jessie turned around,Mimi had her hands folded together, “Can you do me one last favor for THIS HOUR?” Jessie laughed, as Vice-president for External Affairs, people really take it literally and give Jessie errands that will take he outside the department building. “Okay, shoot,” Jessie said as she walked over to Mimi again. Mimi smiled sweetly. ”Come here, I want to show you something,” Mimi said. Jess followed Mimi to the “stockroom” section of the deck. Jess could see a pile of rubbish, maybe trash from the projects, because there were pieces of cloth, wood slats, paint cans and brushes everywhere. Jessie saw Mimi thrust her hands into a black garbage bag. “What is that?,” Jessie said disgustedly at what Mimi got out of the bag. “Say hello to your ancestors,” Mimi said as she raised two colossal heads of what seemed to be a Sachlanthropus tchadensis and a Pithecanthropus something. “This is just a sample; I’ve got the whole family tree in there, like 15 more heads”. “So what do you want me to do with them?’ “Can you please bring it to the auditorium, Jackie, the one in charge of production ahs been waiting for these guys for like an hour already, I forgot to give them to the guys in charge of transpo” Mimi looked pleadingly at Jessie. Jessie rolled her eyes. She picked up the garbage bag and brought the two heads back inside the bag again. She heaved and almost lost air because the bag was very heavy. She tied the opening shut and hugged the big mass of aggregate heads. “All right, you got me, no more goo-goo eyes, okay?” Jessie told Mimi. Mimi did what she would call a “Victory dance”, but it looked more like an ostrich- who- got- stuck –in- a –wire- fence -trying- to- escape dance. “Thanks again!” Mimi walked her to the top of the stairs. “Remember, you owe me big time,” Jessie sternly said to Mimi. “Yup, I know a mocha java and a pineapple tart,” Mimi called out as Jessie descended the stairs. It was Jessie’s favorite thing to order at the university café, the Promenade. Now, where should I go? Jessie asked herself, I don’t want to disturb people by barging down the stairs with this. Jessie saw the Fire Exit, she shrugged, No one ever uses the fire exit, right?. She whistled as she went down, looking at the steps, because the bag’s bulk won’t let her step down sideways. Oh, crap! Jessie said to herself, it was then she remembered that the Sociology building had FIVE FLOORS. It was a good thing that the auditorium was just across the street. Jessie imagined what could happen if the bag burst open and out come SEVENTEEN heads rolling on the road. Jessie laughed to herself. Then she suddenly remembered that after this week, she would not see more of Jeric Romero, also a sociology major but he is in his fourth year and everyone knows that graduating students were always away on some immersion at a province. Jessie first met Jeric when she was a sophomore and he was a junior, they were group mates at the Sociology department’s variety show. Jeric was in charge of the lights and sounds and Jessie was the one who conceptualized every effect, she even used the latest software. They hit it off really well, during practices they were always together, they discussed the sequence of the effects when they had both the time, Jeric even calls her at her house to make sure everything was perfect. Jeric was really fun to be with for Jessie, and he did not act like a complete jerk, as Jessie thought all men are. Jeric knew how to make people laugh and yet he was also had a philosophical side. After the variety show, Jessie hoped she and Jeric would still be able to talk but then everything just fizzled out. Jeric never talked to her again, may be just a ‘hi’ when they pass each other at the halls. But Jessie could still see Jeric pass by her rooms during the past semesters but no eye contact. They never had the chance to become group mates again, and the Passion & Fashion week was not an exception, Jeric wasn’t part of the preparation, in fact he was chosen as one of the student judges for the competition! Jessie felt a jealous pang as she thought of the beautiful girls that Jeric will see later that night. Not that she was ugly, she wasn’t drop-dead gorgeous either, Jessie was more like in between. I guess I’m not the type that a guy like Jeric Romero would fall for, she sighed. She hummed to herself…. Fly me to the moon… And let me play among… In other words…please be true… In other words…I…love “WHAM!” Jessie felt herself falling backward at a fast rate and saw the ancient heads burst out from the bag. She felt her back hit the concrete step as her feet slipped from beneath her, her butt broke her fall and she found herself sitting on her sore behind. “Oh my,” Jessie said rubbing her feet with her right hand. Then she realized that the heads were scattered on the stairs. As she stood up she saw that the Australopithecus robustus finally found its body, he was wearing a drab green shirt and jeans. Jessie rushed over to the ape-man, careful not to trip with the other decapitated heads. The ape-man was sitting down and had a hard time getting up because of the large head he wore. Jessie reached the foot of the stairs and helped the guy stand up. “Ohmigosh!,” Jessie shrieked as she saw that ape-man’s face was deformed. Mimi will kill me!, she groaned . She then held the mask at its base and tried to free the person inside. “Okay, I’ll count to three and I’ll pull” “One…” “Two…” “Three!” Jessie yanked off the mask from the head and stared at the mask. “I’m done for,” she said out loud, the mask’s hair was torn off and the lips resembled bacon strips. “Hey, are you –“Jessie could not believe the person standing before her, it was Jeric. Jessie knew her mouth was gaped open, she knew that she looked like a mess, she knew that the whole time she was busy examining the mask Jeric was staring at her , she knew this was the time she had waited for, but she could not say a thing, she just wanted to know what Jeric felt. Jeric just stared at her. Jessie felt her heart stopped pumping blood the moment she caught sight of him. “O-kay?,” Jessie finally broke the silence. She wanted to slap herself silly, why does she have to be this stammering idiot in front of Jeric? “Well, yeah, for a minute there I thought there was a blackout, it was stuffy inside there though,” Jeric said and he pointed at the mask. Then he looked around the floor, “What are you going to do with all these heads?” “It’s for the fashion show,” Jessie quickly replied, “Mimi wanted me to bring this to Jackie at the auditorium” “Oh, alone? It’s a wonder you were able to carry all of these,” Jeric said. Jessie looked down and smiled to herself. Could this be a compliment? Well it doesn’t beat “you’re pretty” but it comes pretty darned close, Jessie thought. Then Jeric spoke up again, “Not that you’re not strong, I’ sure you are”. Jessie did not know if outwardly her face fell but her hopes fell that minute. What does he think of me an Amazon on steroids? “Well, I’m in trouble, “Jessie retorted, “Seems like robustus here needs plastic surgery”. She held up the head. “I’m dreadfully sorry, Mimi would kill me,” Jeric said. He looked at her. “Isn’t there any way we could fix him?” “I don’t know,” Jessie said as she picked the other heads. Jeric proceeded to do the same. Their hands brushed when both of them reached for the Homo erectus, Jessie quickly moved away. “Listen, Jess,” Jeric finally said as Jessie was tying up the bag again. “Let me help you bring that to the auditorium, I’d explain what happened to Mimi my self”. Jessie did not know why but she started to get irritated at Jeric. May be it was because she felt bad that Jeric acted like the variety show happened just a month ago and they had been talking to each other for the past YEAR. How could he act like that when he deliberately ignores me during general Assemblies?, Jessie asked herself indignantly. Jessie slung the bag over her shoulder, she cringed, the bag seemed to be heavier by the minute. “Would that be like, a violation of contest rules?,” Jessie snapped. Jeric was obviously taken aback by Jessie’s change in attitude. “What do you mean?,” Jeric asked her. Jessie began to step down the stairs. Jeric followed her, he held the bag up from behind her to ease the weight. “What I meant was, you’re the judge, they would see you helping to load a contender’s props, will that be like a bias?,” Jessie said, trying to breathe properly. “Helping a friend would not be biased,” Jeric replied. ”What’s wrong? Why do you seem off? I told you I’ll try to fix the mask”. Jessie could not stand it a little longer. Why was he being so kind now?And I suppose when all of this is over he’d forget me again, like I never existed, Jessie bitterly thought. “Will you just stop it!,” Jessie shouted at Jeric. She was surprised at the sound of her own voice , it rang up , down and across the stairs. “I was just trying to-“Jeric tried to explain. Jessie put the bag down and faced Jeric. Suddenly she was crying. “How could you act like that? As if there was nothing wrong?” Jessie said through her tears. “What do you mean? Is this still about the mask? Why are you crying?” Jeric asked, his faced clouded over with concern. Jessie felt stupid and foolish. She was not even sure that Jeric felt the same thing. She abruptly turned her back, picked the bag and ran as fast as she could. Her adrenaline must have been that high because she carried the bag in one hand and was wiping her eyes with her left hand. “Hey, we’ve been waiting for you,” Mimi cheerfully greeted Jessie in the bustling backstage of the auditiorium but then she frowned when she saw Jessie’s tear-stained face. “What’s wrong what happened?,” She asked, Bern also approached her. Jessie sobbed even more; she knew she could not tell the truth she could not tell anyone about her stupidity. Jessie took out the robustus mask. Then she cried even more. “Oh no!,” Mimi said. “What happened?” But Jessie cried even more. Jackie approached them. “You tyrant,” Jackie mockingly accused Mimi, “This bag is so heavy, why did you let her carry it? Maybe it fell, look at this it’s a mess”. “I’m sorry, Mims,” Jessie said between sobs. She was not crying because she was hurt, nor because of the ape-man’s demise, she was crying because her pride got hurt. “Well, that’s okay, you can still do something to remedy it?,” Bern finally spoke up. Jessie looked at Bern, Bern looked at Mimi and Mimi looked at her thoughtfully. “Really, how?,” Jessie asked, eager to make at least one part of the disaster right. “Remember when I told Mims, we lost a model?” Bern asked with a twinkle in his eye and what seemed to Jessie then, an evil grin. “No way!” Jessie whispered, realizing what they intended to do. “Aw, come on Jess, you said you wanted to fix this!” Mimi whined. “I do, I do,” Jessie said as she sat down at the bench. “But, I can’t do it” “You’re just going to walk, get an attitude, which I’m sure you have,” Mimi said chirpily, ”It will just be for two minutes of walking and posing” “Come on Jess,” Bern pleaded, “You were the one who said that models mustn’t wear two clothes” “I did, but I don’t want to be the model!” “You are breaking our hearts, Jess” Jackie then said. The two nodded in agreement. They looked at her with pleading eyes. “Will you let all of us down? It won’t be like the Jessie Miranda we know,” Bern said emphatically. “All right,” Jessie said with a gulp, “I’ll do it”. A thousand thoughts raced inside her head as Jessie was being prepped up by Pepper, the resident make-up artist of the department. Although Pepper was chatty, Jessie was light years away from Orlando Bloom and his pet dachshund. She did not know why she agreed to do this. The last thing she wanted was to see Jeric, judging her. She had thoughts that Jeric will give the department a low score because of the “episode” between them that happened earlier in the afternoon. She looked at her costume, it was their interpretation of a society’s stratification, a layered halter gown which had gold silk (representing the rich) with semi-precious stones, a blue cotton middle (represented the middle class) and a patched up bottom (represented the lower class). She asked Pepper to give her the most outlandish look, one that will completely cover her face so Jeric would not be able to recognize her. Pepper was only too glad to oblige. And now she looked like Marilyn Manson meets Alice in Wonderland. But it was not that bad, Mimi and Bern liked it, Mrs. Hernandez who dropped by earlier also liked it. “Okay, I’m done,” Pepper finally said. ”I’m gonna leave you now, good luck!” “Thanks,” Jessie said with a smile. She was the only person left in the dressing room because she was just shucked in thirty minutes ago. They were the fifth to perform and she was nervous. He’d probably take a leak on our show time, Jessie wished. There was a knock on the door. “Come in,” Jessie called out. From the dressing room mirror she saw Jeric enter the room and closed the door behind him. For some reason Jessie felt her choker literally choking the air out of her. “Hi,” Jeric greeted her from the door; he did not make any attempt to come any closer. Jessie hung her head in embarrassment. “What are you doing here?” she said as she raised her head. “I asked Mimi where would find you and she told me you were modeling in exchange for the ape mask,” he explained. Jeric changed into a metallic silver suit, with a peach shirt underneath. Jessie assumed it was for the post-contest party. “What do you want? Aren’t you needed outside?,” Jessie asked, but not stiffly. She felt bad about the way she treated Jeric and she knew she had assumed too much. “Well, before anything else,” Jeric said as he approached her. He turned the swivel chair where Jessie sat so that he faced her. He kneeled in front of her. Jessie wanted to stop him but it was already too late. “I’m sorry for being a jerk, I mean, it’s still a wonder why you even spoke to me earlier,” Jeric began. He looked up at her. “I mean, last, last year when I met you I told myself, ‘man, here’s the girl I want to be with’, I just thought you were great.” Jeric waited to hear Jessie’s reaction but she just stared at him. So he continued. “But then, I got so scared out of my wits that you didn’t like me as much as I like you, maybe you think I’m just an older brother or something like that, so in all my jerky wisdom, I guess I rejected you before you could even reject me”. Jessie could not believe what Jeric has been telling her. He actually liked her. “But I did not totally reject you because I had to fight the urge of running into you or passing by your room every ten minutes during my free time. And the reason why I was at the fire exit because ever since the preparation for the Passion and Fashion week started, all I wanted was to be with you but I couldn’t because I was a judge and so I used the fire exit to sort of like see how you were doing. I was scared that if you knew you’d think I was a stalker or something. Jessie,” Jeric said as he took Jessie’s hands into his, “I’m really sorry” “I hate you,” Jessie said, to the point of tears. “Why?” Jeric said, it was not the reaction he hoped he had elicited. “You’re going to ruin my make up,” Jessie complained as her eyes got misty. Jeric felt a wave of relief. “You could have just asked me if I liked you too, that way it would have saved us both from trouble”. Jeric had to laugh, he hugged Jessie. “I’m so sorry, Jess,” he said again. “You’re a big jerk, you know that? You put me into this situation?” Jessie said as she hugged him back. Jeric looked at Jessie again. “Yeah, I am your ONLY jerk, remember that,” he told her with a smile, “I’m going to make sure you’ll win” The night ended great for the Sociology department. Even without Jeric’s biased scoring, all 35 judges were in favor of their presentation. Mimi finally had her legacy (though they did not use the ape heads anymore), Bern was up for the Student Council Presidency, and Jessie? Well, she had someone drive her home that night.