tHe bOho cHicK v 1.0

It is no secret that in recent months I gave been in and out of relatively low emotional states. I seriously considered that maybe, I came ill-equipped for this new chapter in my life. The increasing bouts I have with depression has sometimes found me in tears.

Recently I have even found myself creeping under my bed, tears streaming down my face, begging God to kill me right then and there. Everything was too much. I reasoned out that if I were dead I would not disappoint myself for how crummy I've been doing lately and most of all I would not be too much of a disappointment to God Himself. It would spare both of us the agony, I thought to myself. I was in essence quitting on my life. "Just to take me home, Lord", I pleaded.

Some people would dismiss this as a pathetic emotional outburst, most would ask me why I did not call for help. In response to the latter, everyone has their own issues to deal with, people have a tough time sorting themselves out, why should I agitate them with more emo baggage? I would admit that I too, would think of myself as pathetic. If I were a casual observer I'd probably tell myself, " Just pick yourself up. You gotta be strong, don't let your emotions get a hold of you". Easier said than done.

Now please do not accuse me of not trying to curb these feelings. In reality it had to come to a point where warding off these negative thoughts became physically taxing. I tried to preoccupy my mind with activities that will distract me from hosting a pity party with "it's my party and I can cry if i want to" theme. I would spontaneously burst forth in song just to keep my mind off of the unwanted, depressing thoughts that seek to wreak havoc on my psyche.

As I was having my quiet time a few nights ago, I asked God to strengthen me with His Word-as Leslie Ludy would say it the TRUTH SERUM. Truth banishes fear, ignorance, and inaction. I asked God to minister to me regarding my roller coaster emotions.

He walked where I walked, He stood where I stand

He felt what I feel, He understands

He knows my frailty, Shared my humanity

Tempted in every way, Yet without sin

God with us, so close to us

God with us, Emmanuel

In Isaiah it is written that God is with us, our Emmanuel. As I was reminded of this song from Don Moen, I realized that God was with me even when I felt alone and that no one cared (enough to intervene).

Then, a thought was planted in my mind, I quickly took my Bible and prayerfully asked the Lord to lead me to His word and confirm the idea that came to me. I came to the end of the book o f Hebrews, after skimming the most part of the New Testament, two words caught my eye "High Priest", and I knew I was in the right track. My fingers led me to Hebrews 4: 15

For we do not have a High Priest who cannot sympathize with

our weakness, but was in all points tempted as we are yet without

sin.

I was greatly comforted, Jesus cares! Reading a bit further, I understood that He was not letting me go through this alone, He understands me! I need not feel foolish or shameful.

He felt the things I have been feeling. Not only that, but He had been ridiculed, rejected, spat on and tortured. He became man, then He could relate to me. He did not demand His rights nor stressed who he was. His identity as Son of God was questioned by some, He was mocked and yet He remained sinless. Jesus knew His purpose and because of that sin and negative thoughts did not enter and pollute His life. He overcame this things. Which is great news for me! I am not only assured that Jesus knows what I am going through, but the Bible also says that He'll help me with the issues I face and emerge more like Him. The Message Bible says it this way:

Now that we know what we have- Jesus, this great High Priest with

ready access to God-let's not let it slip through our fingers. We do not

have a priest who is out of touch with our reality. He's been through

weakness and testing, experienced it all- all but the sin. So let's walk

right up to Him and get what He is so ready to give. Take the mercy,

accept the help.

Hebrew 4:14-16

Last night was the first night that Dr. A.R. Bernard spoke at City Harvest Church. I can't dive into a detailed discussion of what he said because it's 8:30 in the morning and I have to be at Tampines for a prayer meeting with my cell group.

Anyway, I felt like I was in UP all over again (minus the eccentricity of the teacher). Dr. A.R. Bernard is a very articulate, powerful and gifted preacher, everytime he opens his mouth, it's like gold nuggets of wisdom come out. I was taking notes but my hand could not cope with all the information given.

So awesome...

Well, more of the conference on a later post maybe on Monday.

Dr.A.R. Bernard will be speaking at City Harvest Church until Sunday...so I better flex my hand muscles.

had cellgroup, actually combined cellgroup with E353 and some from E99 who had make-up cg.

the topic that really hit home is about God's love for us...for me in particular.

sometimes i ask God like, there are so many people in the whole, wide world who are more lovable than i am, how can He love me? some people are kinder, smarter,  more sensitive and obedient than me...there are other people who have bigger needs or hurts than me, how is it possible that God could love me just as much? what's more, how could He love me even before i could do something to prove that i loved Him.

 that my friends, is AGAPE love, no conditions, no ifs or buts about it, God loves each and everyone of us, even if we do live in a broken, messed up world and we ourselves are prone to bad decisions and really mess up everything, He's there...

you guys couldn't believe how many times my heart got broken, not just in guy-girl relationships, but relationships in general, i just knew there was no way to fix it, i once described my heart as "fraying at the seams, with no hope of recovery and broken into shards".but then God said that He will "give me a new heart" in Ezekiel. and it's one thing to know all God's promises, but it's a completely different new dimension, when you take God's promises and it suddenly becomes alive in your heart. God's love became so real in my life that i had the courage that i never thought i had to do the things i did. it became so real, that once you get an encounter, you'll never want anything else...

it's like when you fall in love with a person, you get scared that maybe one day you wake up and find yourself thinking, "I don't love this person anymore". Like any relationship, it takes commitment and discipline to keep the fire alive. one of the most liberating things that i've learned is that God is also a person, and having a relationship with Him takes TIME. it's the ultimate investment.

words fall short to describe it actually, how God works in me and through me. all i know is "no earthly love ever bestowed or deprived from me could ever suffice the void that is in my heart, what i need to survive is the warm rays of love of the Son"

I updated my Christianster profile, because apparently today Friendster has a scheduled maintenance, well anyway, I went to the 23rd Psalm thread on My Groups, guess what?

Top five christian rock artists of Download.com
1. Scott Campbell
2. Mike Shaw
3. 23rd Psalm
4. Out of Darkness Band
5. The Rock-Billy Rogers

 Wow! i am so proud of them (sniff...wipes tears from eyes)...Hindi nga...Kuya Mike galing niyo talaga!

And because I am making up for the oh-so embarrassing moment ermm..stunt that we pulled on them last RAISE THE STANDARD CONFERENCE...I'll be posting their photos at the EDGE RADIO LAUNCH...with KITCHIE NADAL...<rant! faint! ogle!>

This is Kuya Jazz ....

Here they are rocking the Lucena crowd...

Argh...must buy their cd! Hope to get them when mom goes to Pinas to renew my dad's ATO license come september...

Depression isn't something to be proud of especially if you profess yourself to be a Christian. I mean, it really would not make sense at all, how can it be? When Christ has entered your life, you should be free, right?

And it was so embarrassing for me everytime I would spiral into my depression and my friends would be there to see me break down, it won't make me an effective witness for Christ right?

And though I have tried so many times to hide what I have been feeling, by repressing it, it gets bottled up insided, each incident piling over one another, until the pressure became so enormous that I would get ticked off even by the most trivial thing.

The previous months are no exception to the loneliness and helplessness that I feel. In fact, I guess I was so stressed with everything, with leaving all I know and all I love behind that I plunged into an even more depressed state. I would become so good at masking my feelings that I would cry every night to sleep without anyone noticing, not even my sister who sleeps beside me. I would cry and have morbid thoughts that Dorothy Parker's poem kept running through my head

razors are sharp

rivers are damp

acids stain you

and drugs cause cramp

guns aren't lawful

nooses give

gas smells awful

you might as well live

And try as I may to guard my mind, I felt so powerless, and it did not help at all that I found it difficult to make friends here. I just felt like asking God to take my life away, because I couldn't bear the emotions that I was feeling, I wanted to run away...and I know that if you read my entries for the past three months you'd notice the incredible mood swings,you'd be more shocked if you came upon my real journal...

I know that suicide is a sin, who am I to impose on God? To blatantly reject God's gift of life to me, now that I know that He loved me enough to send His Son to die for me. And yet I felt it was the easiest way, it came to a point that in July I was actually begging God to finish me off...Please God, pull the plug...

July 28, 2006, the night when we had a combined cell group, I was so down, and it did not help that my brother was giving me the silent treatment, I felt so alone and so unwanted that I actually cried during the cell group (it was a good thing that we were worshipping God then, so nobody really noticed). After the cell group I excused myself because I was hurting so much, fighting the tears became PHYSICALLY impossible. When I was at the bus stop I kept muttering, "God help me" over and over...I was weeping during the whole bus ride to the Bus Interchange.

When I took the next bus home, I was a little bit sober already, but then the tears suddenly crept up, I decided to preoccupy myself so that I'd distract myself. I took out my pen and notebook and the words just started to flow:

I feel so crappy Lord

if there was such a word,

my life is crumbling down

slowly swallowed by the world

i'm scared half to death

in fact dying's an attractive choice

i'm straining my ears so hard to hear

Your still, reassuring voice

i try to think of Your word

and pray it comforts me

but even when i take a breath

the air is suffocating me

those around me have no clue

of the battle that wages inside

or how the tears slip unnoticed

because i've smiled so wide...

It was then that I stopped and silently said a prayer ," Dear God, please show me what to do, I need to know You're here". And I have never even expected that God will come through so tangibly, because what happened next has never happened to me.As those words cried out from my heart, I looked out at the window, it was way past 9 o' clock, the roads were dimly lit by street lights, and at that instant as the bus drove over a turn, there was a sign, illuminated brightly by a street lamp, "STAY ON TRACK". And it just broke forth through the dark clouds of my spirit and I felt that God had spoken through that sign, all those times that I have passed by that road, it was only that night that I saw it. And I was comforted. Just when I was ready to throw in the towel and take matters into my own hand and forsake my faith, God came through for me.

That Sunday, I was delivered.And for the first time there weren't many voices inside my head, and yes, I sometimes feel the searing pain in my heart and feel lonely especially when I am with the crowd, quite funny right? I have never felt lonely when I am alone, I feel lonely when I am with others. But it just leads me back to Jesus's feet, and I remember His word that says that He'll never leave me nor forsake me.

July 11, 20006

It doesn't matter what i've done or said

Of all the things that You could do

You chose to love me instead

My life is found in You

I am designer-made His blood has fully paid

the ransom for my life

In Christ there's victory

No more hand-outs for me

Everything has been made right

I have a Daddy God

in who i put my trust

in me His Spirit resides

to whom i can confide

He reveals each mystery

in Him i have liberty

Christ is the Lord of my life

this was the poem i made ...nothing much...God is everything and i won't apologize for that....

I had soooo much fun at the recently concluded 20th FESTIVAL OF PRAISE (Singapore Indoor Stadium) which ran from August 4-6.We had Christian City Band and Don Moen as our praise and worship leaders and Ed Silvoso gave a very timely message about Christians in the marketplace...200 churches were participating and could barely fit in the 11,000 seats....We went there about two to three hours early just to queue.

This song really spoke to my heart,it's beat is spunky and well you just want to jump and jump when you hear it. it really is the cry of my heart these days...

YOU HAVE FILLED THIS HEART OF MINE

WITH YOUR GRACE AND LOVE DIVINE

I CAN'T HELP BUT WORSHIP YOU

YOU HAVE FILLED THIS SPACE BETWEEN

ALL MY HOPES AND ALL MY DREAMS

I'M SO GRATEFUL THAT YOU CAME FOR ME

THIS IS MY PRAYER TODAY

GOD OH GOD

TAKE A HOLD OF ME

ALL OVER, ALL OVER

GOD OH GOD

TAKE A HOLD OF ME

ALL OVER, ALL OVER

GOD OH GOD

TAKE A HOLD OF ME

TURN ME UPSIDE DOWN

LET'S MAKE HISTORY

GET YOUR POWER INSIDE ME

SHOW ME ALL I CAN BE

TAKE A HOLD OF ME

THERE'S NO NAME LIKE YOURS

THERE'S NO NAME LIKE YOURS

JESUS

Today is the first day of the sub-zone thing we call Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. Gals had the spin-off from the hit show Project Runway...ours was called "Fashion Runway". And the XYs had a LAN gaming challenge. I was in Nick's group,yeah, I know, he's a GUY. My sister asked me, "Doesn't it defeat the whole theme of the event? A guy in the women's category?". She DOES have a point but then we are not supposed to be sexist right? And besides there were other guys who passed up the CS gaming and was found sitting on the floor of the Pandan Valley Condominium Function Room gluing on beads at a mary jane (they call it dolly here) shoe. We ran out of time though, so instead of the whole INVASION emblazoned on the back of our model's pants, there were only the letters I, N, V, and a big A in the middle. Louisa, ALex and ...well I didn't really get her name I think it was Joycelyn was also in our group and our model was Valerie (very pretty). I alone in the flat as my parents caught the first insatllment of the "Marriage Builder" Lessons at Church this afternoon. My sister is at White Sands Mall window shopping or maybe at the Library. My brother...well...I dunno... I know my previous post...technically the first post I have was quite a bit biting and acidic. I am so sorry. If I was very offended, it was just exasperating sometimes, I mean our friends have been great, but some of them just don't give us the benefit of the doubt. And I was griping to God about, you know how they treat us like uncivilized people...or maybe well a little bit outdated,and then God told me that I am as presumptuous as them , I mean I was shocked at what He said, but then I realized that as humans we're like that. We tend to jusdge people on standards that society dictates us. And sometimes I'll admit it feels good to know that you are better off than someone else...although these time, the tables have turned, and I am that someone else... I asked God to forgive my insolence and pride, and of course to let go of the bitterness I felt . And I guess I just had a bad case of pining for the Philippines, where I had a LIFE, my real FRIENDS, the greatest memories... But then I know that I have a Besy Friend who'll never ever leave me or judge me...and that is worth than anything I have left behind...

ok so i have been posting really depressing things about me lately, i think i hit the wall last night. because i was weeping so bad my mom thought i was perspiring...good thing she thinks that i have a runny nose so she did not notice.

and so when i was crying i suddenly thought, "Hey, wait a minute, this could REALLY KILL you". Yep, I used the third person and nope I did really mean it. I have this weird (but i know most of my close friends do it also) habit of talking to myself in the mirror or when i am alone (which makes you think that i have the weirdest friends also right?). talking to myself is a form of psyching myself up. prepping myself up, you know talking to myself to make me feel better. sometimes i find conversations with myself to be very beneficial to me..weird but anything that will help me 'deal with it'.

so anyway, i realized that 'feeding' this mindset would definitely destroy me in the long run. and besides i think the sluggard slash comfort-seeking facet of my personality just loves to scamper into some rock and just lie in wait there forever. waiting for the rapture or something.kinda like this...

but then, there's this little intense, struggling- to -break -free -from- the -chains part of me that would really berate me if ever i let myself become complacent and be scared of living. nosediving into depression-o-rama is really crummy and too much drama for my taste.

 back with the old me...haha...ELLE is in the house people...i think i got depressed because somehow i managed to asphyxiate ELLE and she has become just part of my past (ok the third person is really getting creepy) .

my mind is the battlefield and i have to reclaim it, plunging into this deep abyss of sadness would just steer me away from my goal...whatever that is...

btw, this is the third day of a week's requirement , that i have placed a "temporary restraining order" on my friendster, christianster and YM access. I just can't wait but then i need to discipline myself because all i do around the web is the stuff mentioned above. i think i have withdrawal symptoms.

hala, i think i'm experiencing reaction formation hahaha...for all my friends...i'll keep you updated in our yahoogroups otei?

Psa 139:14 I will give you praise, for I am strangely and delicately formed; your works are great wonders, and of this my soul is fully conscious. (BBE Version)