tHe bOho cHicK v 1.0

Horrifying. Why? I just wanted to write that. <evil laugh>. This has got to stop. I am squeezing in some blogging time as I am surely to be exhausted when I get home later...or not. Ugh, I hate the way people take advantage of you especially when you are so gullible. Maybe not that gullible, just to trusting and kind. I hate it. Ugh, that's all I can say. I just hope my mom and sister could go back in the Philippines to set things straight, it's not fair for us, because we are here and we can't defend ourselves, I can't believe it.... I can't believe it, after all that my mom did for her, I can't believe it! It's very frustrating. Oh man...I can't believe it. I just hope these things get straightened out.

Since nothing in my life ever seems constant or stable, I am beginning to feel the itch to move to another blog host. It has been on my mind of late, and it doesn't do well for me that Blogspirit is one of the French platforms, (read: never heard of). I tried Blogger but the only satisfaction I get from there is when I can change Blogksins which totally deviates from my purpose- to blog. My Blogdrive account is in a sorry state though, I haven't been able to update it in quite a few months now.

Anyway sometimes I think I'm just trying to be the "boho chick" of every blog host on the planet. I am currently updating my Wordpress blog, and there's this new bloghost called Vox, it's actually cool.But I have to find what fits me. Or maybe I'll still stick with "Old Reliable" Blogspirit, after all this is the first blog I was able to maintain.

I try not to be wordy when I write in my blogs, and I try not to be superficial that the post would not warrant a good read. But then...darn! I lost my train of thought.

MOOD for the day: Haven't decided on it yet...

I am dreadfully tired...
Whatever, I miss saying pinoy expressions like:

Talaga lang...

Eh ano ngayon

Ang cute, cute mo talaga

Ay, ambot

Kamusta ka naman?

Toinkz

Owws?

And my mind is preoccupied, it shouldn't be troubling for some, but for me it's a real struggle because it's something I have promised myself to steer clear from, and I know no one's asking me to do it, I mean God didn't even explicitly forbid it, it is perfectly ok for everyone, everyone that is not including me. Not because I am trying to punish myself, on the contrary I'm trying to protect myself and others in this commitment that I made.

I have to physically steer myself in another direction, and when I feel that I'm gonna succumb, give in, throw caution to the wind (so many cliches!), I just talk back at myself on how much progress I've made. I'm not taking any risks, I only take calculated risks, not stupid risks.

I've had so many detours already, it's like the saying, "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me" or something like that, once in UP at an OT lecture, Ms. Vargas taught as that "Learning is a permanent change in behavior when one assimilates/accommodates information". The information may not even be new, and now I want to prove that by sticking to this commitment I have definitely learned something. It may look like I'm depriving myself...but it's a done deal, and I'm never gonna turn back on my word (Seriously my English professors will freak if they see a "gonna" in my writings!).

Whenever my anxiety attack would start acting up Peeward would tell me that "it's all in the mind", which really got me frustrated because I was putting in so much effort to overcome the physiological effects like hyperventilating,stiffening of my extremities, and other stuff, and then he tells me that. And then when I finally succumb (by then I'd be clutching the BLUE CARD from the Philippine General Hospital,lying on my back on a stretcher) I'd be mad at myself for not being "strong" enough to deal with whatever was causing the attack.

My mind has been playing tricks on me, I was able to "diagnose" myself as having a physiological reaction to an underlying psychological dilemma.

It's ALL in the MIND.

Easier said than done, and I know "programming" the mind is difficult especially when one has allowed it to run around. But I am going to change all of that...And I know discipline is such a harsh word (the last time I really tried it I ended up covered with sweat, blood and all the dust the outdoor gym could cough up). But it's for my own good, and I know I sometimes it will require me making drastic changes, but then if I really want to be someone I could be proud of, I'd do whatever it takes.

And boy was I tested last night, really bad case of getting offended at the smallest thing, I'm reminded of the phrase "shooting my own foot with a gun" , how many times I could have avoided something from happening if i had just kept my mouth shut or gave my excellente.

So now, I am trying to think on things which are true, noble, just, pure, and of good report. Which in retrospect makes me think that I have trash almost 90% of what I am thinking about.

what a birthday it has been.

first birthday in Singapore.

3 powerpacked sessions with Dr. A.R. Bernard.<emerging not only EDUCATED,ENCOURAGED and EMPOWERED, but most of all THANKFUL for the privilege to hear such wonderful life-changing messages>.

i know i haven't been thankful lately...i've been placing a big magnifier on the negative things rather than on the miracles, albeit to some trivial or maybe insignificant, that have taken my family into a whole new level.

so here's a list of what i'm thankful to God:

1.for a stronger spiritual life...

2.for my family that is going strong in unity and faith

3. for the peepz i left back home who email and YM me despite their demanding academic endeavors (especially Jennifer, Chiz, Keg, Badoh, Yna, Irish...and the list goes on)

4. for peace and good health

 5. for Pastor Kong and Sun for inspiring me and just...wow!

6. for being in City Harvest Church, it's an honor to be part of this family...

 7.for new friends especially in W351,hope you guys could give me more time to "open up"

8. for my bro's (E99) and sis' (E353) cell group...for sometimes "adopting" me when i'm all alone.

9. for being able to conquer my fears

10. for Him who has been my inspiration and source of strength...

ever since i got delivered when Rev. Mike Connell was here in Singapore, i knew that i had to take care of what i was thinking, (which was reiterated today by Dr. A.R.Bernard). So i wrote down some quotes and verses on Post-It notes and i stuck it in my cabinet doors that everytime i get something from my cabinet i'll be able to read it, say it out loud and basically assimilate the inspiring words into my mind.

whenever i feel like down and wishing for a one-way ticket to the Philippines i read this quote from Diana Nyad:

I AM WILLING TO PUT MYSELF THROUGH ANYTHING;

TEMPORARY PAIN OR DISCOMFORT MEANS NOTHING

TO ME AS LONG AS I CAN SEE THAT THE EXPERIENCE

WILL TAKE ME TO A NEW LEVEL. I AM INTERESTED IN

THE UNKNOWN, AND THE ONLY OATH TO THE UNKNOWN

IS THROUGH BREAKING BARRIERS.

which kinda puts things in perspective for me...

I went to the library today with my sister and I came upon a book called The Decorated Paper by Gwen Diehn, in it were ways to spice up journals and also how to be more creative with the elements one uses. It actually whetted my appetitie to get the creative juices flowing and make my journal more colorful once again.

Yes, aside from blogging, my other passion is journaling. And this time around it's not the mushy or mundane stuff that gets recorded down although sometimes things like that do pop up in my journals.I am the proud owner of a HANDFUL of journals. In fact I am almost a journal addict. Almost because I am relatively short on cash these days so I cannot add any more to my growing "babies".

Most people think that journals are about recording the "big" events in life that's why they shy away from keeping one. Others have gone through the horror and pain of having another person read their diaries, the unveiling and baring of their hearts of hearts, which have caused shame that they have vowed never to write their feelings down again.

Well, I thought the same way too, that my life was "ordinary and plain" and that journaling was only reserved to the people who would one day make it big in life and have something to draw their memoirs from. I also experienced the pain and shame of having another person (one in authority especially) reading my journal and confronting me with the contents. That is why for a good five years after the incident I just wrote my feelings of bewilderment and all teenage-angst related stuff in my poems and in my stories. My poems contained my feelings in a nutshell, and my stories were basically what had happened to me, what I imagined to happen and what I had hoped would happen. The poems and stories that I wrote were my life, and besides, it masked my real emotions and ideas then.

"I DON'T WANT TO FORGET"

This my friends is the ultimate reason why I journal. I did not want to forget:

1. The good things and the bad things that happened to me.

2. The emotions I felt at a certain time whether I was incredulously happy or miserably sad.

3. How I was able to fight and overcome different things that came my way

4. How I came from point A to point B

5.How other people came through for me

6. How I grow each day as a Christian

I began to journal again and over a period of time, not only was my journal filled with recollections but it was peppered with poems that I had made or I have read, song lyrics, sketches, movie tickets, seminar tickets, and magazine clippings. Collages started popping up, photos were mounted, my journal came alive, it was like feeding my life into it. And then I started to find new things to journal about, until I had different themed journals. Journals gave me liberty to create without pressure from other people.

A few weeks ago my sister asked me why I wasn't keen on writing stories anymore, after thinking it thoughtfully, I just shrugged and said, "Real life is more exciting". Journals are great historians of your life, and they chronicle each event in your voice and in your style. They also capture your real essence, the untainted, unadulterated you.

Here are some journals I keep:

1. The Official "Elle" Journal: This is my life journal. It records my day after day life. In goes the things I did, what I felt, my observations, poetry by me or by my favorite poets, quotations, magazine or newspaper articles I find worth keeping, photos, collages, cut-out words, sketches, song lyrics, writing prompts, pieces of unfinished poems, short-story ideas, tickets of movies I've watched, concerts I attended, seminars I took part in. I also make a pocket at the inside back cover to put other mementos in. My previous Elle journals had titles,the first one was titled POTPOURRI, because it contained whatever things I wanted to put in, it had a list of Apache Indian words and the NATO alphabet; the second one was BOHO CHICK,which was more freestyle than the previous journal, it had sketches and weird collages, I think I overdid it thought because the spine was breaking down and the pages started to fall. My current Elle journal has no title. All of my journals are blank books that are lined and have really plain covers. I am scared of buying journals that are so pretty, my friends give me journals as gifts and they are so pretty that I'm so scared of spoiling it, that I rarely break the cover. The great thing about blank books is that I design the cover however I want to. My recent journal is covered with beautiful handmade paper which cost me Php50, but the older journals were collages that I made.

2. Quotes Journal: When I've read a cool quote which inspired me or just for the sake of it being witty I write it down in my quotes journal, My first two quote journals were written in a small spiral bound notebook but the one I'm using now is a steno-notebook. I collect quotes especially those that are motivational and inspirational so that i could flip through it when I'm down, or have something nice to write in a letter or email I'll send to a friend, or for speeches or essays for school.It can also include something I've overheard on the street, or in a restaurant, or the memorable lines of my friends. A friend of mine even writes down the SMS quotes that she receives before deleting it from her phone.

3. Spiritual Journal: This one is all about God. In this notebook I write my devotionals, praise and worship songs that I really love singing, memory verses, stuff that God impressed in my heart, poems that I've made dedicated to Him,and my personal Bible study. Of course I have another journal for the Sermons and Cell group cum reaction-application.

4. You Go Girl! Journal: This is my dream journal. Yes, a dream journal. This contains magazine clippings of places I want to go to, people I want to meet, quotes that motivate, self-help stuff, my goals list, my wishlist, my "fleshing it out" list, my timetable, my affirmations and my progress tracker. I have this journal to keep me focused on my goals, on what I want and to evaluate myself by keeping my perspective. Or when I feel down I just look at the things that I dream of and I just keep going. This is my self-improvement journal.

5.My Everything Journal: This little journal keeps my life together. I bring this journal everywhere, even when I'm in my house I go around carrying it in my backpocket.If I lose this journal, I'd just stop functioning. I am not a disciplined person by nature so I really work hard to keep things in order. This journal helps me. In it are a list of my online accounts and corresponding passwords,writing ideas that pop up while I do household chores, to-do list, important emails,half-finished poems,this is the glue which holds my life. My friend has a journal which tracks her spending decisions.Another has this diet journal where she writes down everything she eats to keep track of the calories and also identify problem spots.

6. Circle Journal: I got this idea from a scrapbooking magazine. It's a themed journal where a group of people can write on it, passing it along to the next person. What I did was I took out one of the journals that was given to me as a gift (it was really pretty, thanks Abigai!), and I decided that the theme was gonna be Love, I wrote a poem on a page and tried to make it artistic as possible and I passed it along to my friend (I am so blessed to have friends who love to write and are creative!) who drawing on from the theme Love wrote an essay on her page. And on and on it went, some wrote poems, some drew, some just doodled. It was great to have everyone pitch in and I saw how creative they were with such small space, and how our different personalities shown through.

7. Travel Journal: This is like your very own postcard. You could attach tickets, postcards, photos, and other knick-knacks, sketch the view, write a poem, capture your enjoyment...it will speak a bunch rather than just having photos which can't capture everything.

8. Reading cum Reaction Journal: One of the things I've learned in U.P. is "critical thinking", so when I read I try to dissect the text and come up with my opinion. I write down what I've read and what I think about it, it's a healthy exercise actually.

9. Writing Journal: I know redundant right? Yeah, well this journal I write, edit, re-write my poems, short stories and essays. I also write in here words that I would want to use in my work.

10. Online Journal: Of course my blog, this one is not-so private, mainly censored stuff, has to be properly edited but it's great to share your life with the rest of the world. And it encourages human interaction.

11. Audio Journal: Sometimes, my brain runs way faster than my hand could write so, the next best thing is an audio journal. I have two audio recorders.One needs a cassette cartridge and the other one is digital. I find that audio journals are quite handy when I am suddenly struck by something inspiring.

See, there are lots of ways to journal, and actually, it depends upon the person what journal he'd use. Happy writing!

excess: expect more journaling articles to come.

image sources:

untitled journal image: author's own

boho chick journal image: author's own

untitled image 2 - Sabrina Ward Harrison

untitled image 2- by Sabrina Ward Harrison

 As the title implies these are some old photos of moi and some recent poems that i've made dedicated to the Love of my life...

 one piece 

seen me through all the mess i've been in

and all the ups and downs still to come

heard my cries of melancholy,

in the middle of my darkest night

and the tears that have fallen

You've counted as your own

and i'm amazed

JESUS, Son of God

enthroned in the heavens above

You've called me as Your friend

JESUS, the Risen Lord

could You ever love me more?

Your love knows no end

SAVIOUR

WHEN I WAS LIVING IN THE DARK

YOUR LOVE PULLED ME INTO YOUR LIGHT

YOUR FEET AND HANDS WERE MARKED

SCARS PROVED YOU'VE WON THE FIGHT

AND I AM IN AWE THAT YOU

WOULD CHOOSE TO GO THROUGH

ALL THE PAIN AND SUFFERING

POUR YOUR LIFE AS AN OFFERING

JUST TO REACH OUT TO ME

AND DRAW ME INTO YOUR FAMILY

YOUR PRECIOUS BLOOD THAT FLOWED

IS THE GREATEST LOVE I'VE KNOWN

YOUR GRACE HAS SET ME FREE

FROM DEATH YOU'VE RESCUED ME

JESUS CHRIST...MY SAVIOUR...

WINGS

YOU MAKE ME SOAR

YOU LIFT ME UP

IN YOU MY GOD

THERE'S MORE THAN ENOUGH

YOU GIVE ME DREAMS

AND HANDS THAT WORK

TOWARDS THE GOALS

IN ME YOU'VE BIRTHED

AND I WILL FLY...WITH YOU

yeah, well three poems is quite a lot ei?

anyway next time i'll post my article on journaling, the journals i keep, block traditions and stuff...haha...writing a lot...but before everything...i want to post in Tagalog...

                                                                                                    i really had nothing much to do...

haha...this ismy last post here in this room at unit 07-01 Block 739 Pasir Ris Drive 10 !!!

we're moving on to Block 483 Pasir Ris Drive 4 yipee!!!



reuben morgan of hillsong led p&w ...awesome man ...

and rev. mike connell of bay city outreach, new zealand shared the word of God, he basically like gave us a crash course on deliverance, like what are demons, what do they do and what JESUS did to defeat them and deliver us...
we had ministry time and a lot of people were set free....

all right!

oh yeah...reuben morgan sang Mighty to Save fresh from the new Hillsong album of the same title....and it's just so awesome the tune is simple but the lyrics...aww...man, how sweet, it's really true and y'know it touches the heart so much....

Everyone needs compassion
Love that's never failing
Let mercy fall on me
Everyone needs forgiveness
The kindness of a Savior
The hope of nations


Savior, He can move the mountains
My God is mighty to save
He is mighty to save
Forever, Author of Salvation
He rose and conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave


So take as You find me
All my fears and failures
Fill my life again
I give my life to follow
Everything I believe in
Now I surrender

Shine your light
And let the whole world see
We're singing
For the glory of the risen King, Jesus

when i was a kid, i had lots of things to say...and i wanted to be heard but then i found out that the world would not listen to me and so i tried shouting it out loud, really loud, until i screamed so hard i thought my lungs would burst. then i realized it would be of no use, the world has its own parade to follow and i was assigned as a bystander, my shouts became increasingly rare and were reduced to inaudible whispers. but i knew i couldn't contain them, these thoughts brimming forth from my mind like the steam from a geyser.

and it was when i was twelve that i found the joys of personal writing, of articulating how i felt or what i thought from my noisy mind....and eventhough for the past eight years there were times when my privacy was invaded and i was betrayed i still continue journaling, why? because not only does it serve as an avenue for my thoughts, it records every freaky, ugly, beautiful, wonderful, amazing and sometimes insane moments of my life, it helps me learn about myself more, to understand the "self" in general, to act as the keeper of my secrets, and yes sometimes a tool from which i can glean my ficitional stories.

last year i made a pact to be honest in my journals, resisting the urge to rip or tear off the offensive pages scribbled with angst, hatred and bitterness, being honest in my journal helped me to deal with my feelings without the damage that verbal confrontation would cause. when i became honest to myself, i became more accepting of my faults, which i now fondly call as quirks, and then surprisingly i found myself accepting of others also. and when the time comes that the issue or skirmish has been resolved, i just staple the entries shut, i don't believe in unearthing previous hurts...it will just cause more friction.

living in the shadow of denial would just cause me more hurt than the other person...and if it's really too painful to write about it matter-of-factly, i write it in poetry, in poems you can decide how much you reveal without making your reader alienated, without giving in too much information. in my poems especially when i felt bad about this friend (see the post TRAITOR) i was able to air out my feelings without hurting the person involved.

when i really mustered the strength to face myself head-on in the mirror i was able to love myself more; become stronger and more stable, it forced me to face the challenges and not run away, and i thank my journals for that .

PACK RAT

today, i slept at past three and woke up at eleven in the morning, and i got up cuz we started to pack! yes! go na ito kung go! It's gonna be great...we'll have our own rooms already...yess!!! Anyway. so much for privacy my sister and i have to share the room, but knowing my extremely effective persuasion coupled with sometimes violent coercion (so redundant,it's for emphasis) i think i'll be able to be the queen of the room, and my poor roomie would have to bow down hehe...just kidding.

so we'll still live in pasir ris but it will be a tad nearer to the MRT station, a mere two bus stops away. And we're also about a 15-minute walk away from NTUC Downtonw East, and two bus stops away from Loyang Point Mall, how did i know? well, i think poring over bus guides and road maps just makes you a bit knowledgeable right?

speaking of moving on didn't i sorta promise to chiz that i'll explain the dissipating stuff? well i don't know how it happened or why ...or maybe i do, but it was just gradual, and well...i guess "dissipated" says it all. and yes i know my non-dating, highly strict uninvolved status worthy enough to warrant me a stay at a convent can sometimes drive my friends crazy and they have never, ever failed in "REMEDYING" my uhmm...situation...haha...some faces come to mind and i just cringe every time. like bryan cassidy tan (wow...kumpleto!) and the oh-so-memorable line that april "pornstar" presto dropped at me like a bomb at the CAS library "elle, he has the hots for you"...i almost barfed...chekwa! haha, kawawa naman ako iniiwasan ko ang chekwa, napunta naman ako sa lugar na puro chekwa!!! Pano ba yan? hehe . Of course Kwekie, my dear anak, could never forget the term of endearment that she once bestowed me not only was i her nanay but she also called me "elliegator" and the details of which are too painful to divulge. then there's carrot cake, from the time i saw him inside GAB303 i knew i needed to make an ignore-him-if-you-know-what's-good-for-you strategy. guess what? well, the story is part of an entirely different post so i'll leave it hanging at that. but of course the real "clincher" was "father" hehe...grabe ! i am 1,700 miles away from the philippines and i still receive news about him! <no thanks to juniper!> . he's like in every one of my freshman stories. gasp! what am i talking about?!

and since we're in the topic of moving on,if you have noticed that my posts are quite a bit shaky when it comes to emotions. sometimes happy, most times mad, other times just really lonely, i think that i am experiencing the five stages of GRIEF, also known as DABDA, DENIAL, ANGER, BARGAINING, DEPRESSION, and ACCEPTANCE. now, really i think i have been yoyo-ing in between anger, bargaining and depression but by God's grace i have the strength to take this one day at a time. it seems like nothing right? but did you know that the first month i was seriously considering my break-out plan back to the philippines, yes, i even mapped out a strategy! anyway, i reckoned if God really wanted me to be here, He'll restore my life back, or better yet make something better! and when at times i feel like asking Him why on earth would He uproot me and leave me at my present state of shattered self-esteem, being belittled and not going to school, i hold my tongue and look back to eight years before when we were absolutely stripped of everything and we emerged being equipped and twice as blessed as before! and then i know all i have to do is trust. but i wish the moving on part would be a little quicker.