tHe bOho cHicK v 1.0

ok...so i never got around to sleeping, and i am in the comfort of my parents ac-ed room...haha...typing away at this blog...am i an addict? yes...

been blog hopping and thinking of things to post...haha..we have cell group today...

one more thing on my mind before i call it a night...terrorism sucks...especially when they use planes (i know so shallow reason), and it's not just because my dad is in the airline industry...flying should be fun and not become into an instrument where a terrorist proves that he's ideas and concepts are true and that he's not only willing to bet his life on these idealistic notions, he's also willing to bet on your life!

that's just my two cents worth...i oughta sleep...

so far so good...haha...

okay so now, as i am writing this i am wolfing down half a litre of ...are you guys ready?....

DURIAN ICE CREAM...yes, the fruit that "tastes like heaven yet smells like hell"...and to think that i could not stomach the real fruit and just stuck to the milder "durian candy", haha...my sibs didn't like it, leaving me with the container.

cell group was GRREEEEAAATTTT!------<insert a dozen superlatives here to catch my emotions>

hmmm....

so far so good....

i said that already didn't i?

uhmmm...it's totally crushing me...grr...

this week of self-imposed ban on FRIENDSTER, CHRISTIANSTER and YAHOO! MESSENGER...is totally crushing me....totally...haha...at least Juniper, Jenny, Camille and Fia sent me text messages...

waahhh...weep...cry....grovel....

geez...

 i am not pleased with this....

for a month now i have been on this roller coaster ride of emotions, more exhilarating, frustrating and definitely more stressing, than my heart could take. my sadness overwhelms me and i find myself at the feet of Jesus everytime. while i was waiting for someone from the cell group to pick me up at the MRT station, words quickly came out of my head, which began to sound like a mantra.

"i think i'm gonna die, i think i want to cry, i think i want to go home and disappear,or i think i'll just weep here, my heart is broken at all the wrong places, can somebody find me in this sea of faces?"

i hate this, i hate this...but then again tomorrow i'll wake up and everything will once again be brand new. i wish i had a brand new heart you know? because this loneliness that creeps within me is tearing me piece by piece and i try and i try to stitch it back together but all i end up is frayed seams.

i smile and yet i feel like i am betraying myself, and i seek Him, and i know that comfort awaits in His arms...that is the only thing i know, that i can never find the kind of intimacy, a union of hearts with anyone else on the planet, in the universe for that matter except with Him. once it was revealed to me that no earthly heart could ever fill the God-shaped vacuum in my life, that is why i should never be affected by love given or witheld from me by the people around me. i should be grateful but i shouldn't build an altar for them, as i have usually done in the past...

i fished this song from what Ace of American Idol sang, i did not take it out of the real context of the song though but the chorus really is what i feel...

 Well I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain
To hell with my pride
Let it fall like rain, from my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry.

image source: http://www.otakuboards.com/printthread.php?t=26395&pp=100

lyrics source:http://www.ojar.com/view_22379.htm

retrieved: 06.10.06

 These are snippets of previous journal entries that I decided to post here just for the sake of posting. It will be great if those who'd read these entries would relate to what I meant. Sometimes depression creeps up on me. Few people know that I cry at nights just because I feel so overwhelmed, so sad, so alone. There was this one time at a bookstore, I suddenly felt so alone that I started weeping, my friends were a bit surprised because I was crying when I had been cheery all afternoon. Camille, my blockmate, knows about my moods because she understands how I feel.

• It’s scary to dive into a relationship wearing only your feelings, because feelings come and go, they are totally dependent on the here and now. Feelings  are existential.
• Sometimes events in our lives are highlighted by how we felt during that time which might change after a few times until you get wholly immune to it. 
•   November 22 Is there such thing as a broken heart? When I’ve never been whole from the start? Can I consider love a cure? For all the times I bled, are you sure?
• There are times when I feel that all I have is me and I am shattered by its truth, and that  in this world no one really cares and that I have everything to lose. Sometimes I just want to close up so scared to be vulnerable. The irony is when you expose yourself people find you more likeable.
• April 01, 2006   Naiinis ako kasi bumabalik ang feelings of inadequacy ko, siempre dala rin niya yung pinsan niya na si insecurity. Kung pwede lang sana tumigil ang pag-ikot ng mundo para makapagisip-isip muna ako.Tahimik na hanapin ang sarili ko…Nabibiyak na naman ang puso ko at hindi ko alam kung maibabalik ko pa siya…Ang gusto ko lang malaman eh kung may isang tao, this one person who’d set aside for awhile their own agendas and tell me, “OK lang yan, normal yang mga nararamdaman mo, hindi ka pa naloloka”.Dr. Phil, Oprah, ng buhay ko asan na kayo?
• Sometimes I hate myself for giving a piece of my heart so easily to someone (and I am not talking of romantic stuff here), a person who has no inkling whatsoever the impact of what they have in me. I feel so gullible and foolish. I know all too well the danger that I am able to inflict upon myself and yet I dive in head first.

ok, i haven't done this for a very long time, a random stream of consciousness entry slash confession (?) so i do hope you bear with me...for misspelled words and such. Ok so now we're almost a month here in Singapore and yes besides the uber expensive Sentosa and Night Safari  I think I am well aware of the places to be here. The food isn't as much shocking because my mom cooks for us although I have tasted, hor fan, it's this special noodle dish with braised fish, shrimp and squid...quite tasty as I am a fan of anything seafood (though i have to do a raincheck on the sea cucumbers =) . Oh yeah, I also tasted roti prata, it's a type of unleavened bread from India and it reminded me of the unleavened breas that we used to eat in Saudi Arabia when i was growing up. The difference with this is that you can choose if you want it plain or stuffed with cheese and other fillings. Anyway it is also dipped in spicy curry ( and i do mean SPICY!). I have seen the baby Merlion and the Big Merlion which guards the mouth of Singapore River. I have been to the Esplanade and I marvel at the architectural feat, i mean it's really impressive. It's has spikes like the durian so it's also called as the DURIAN and it houses the first performing arts library in SIngapore...what else, i am enjoying church here  and last sunday my dad taught us how to 'book' seats at the church, it was funny because people were already lined up ready to 'run' to their desired seats. as usual the place was jam-packed and i received fresh word. I think that every christian should receive fresh word from God everyday!Oh well. time's up...my brother is pestering me ....til here y'all!

I was always at your beck and call
I was present to break your fall
I even threw myself at your feet
my duty was to meet your need
you said I wasn’t good for you
and you will have nothing to do
with the insanity I called love
and my prayers were not enough
and then one day, I woke up from it
all i knew it was high time to quit
because I deserve someone better
you thought my reverie would last forever?
well I’m sorry but the spell is over
and I have gone to find another…
you’re just another face to me again
I will not go that far to pretend
That I recognize that face of yours
When I’ve seen it before slamming doors
I pass you by the street and you smile
My brain needs to register you for a while
I probably lost my long-term memory
So that you won’t have to remind me
Of the things that I had been
Of the pain that I had seen
Just another face on the sidewalk
Need not stop so we can talk
Just another pretty face
But okay to erase….