tHe bOho cHicK v 1.0

COMBAT: ELLE vs. DEPRESSION 

Whenever I am tempted to purchase a return ticket to the Philippines (a thought which has occured to me countless of times) because I'm thinking, "I can't put up with the loneliness, with the depression, with the lack of meaningful connection" I stop myself, and almost like some mantra, I think of the quote that I posted last friday, and what I said when I posted it:

I AM WILLING TO PUT MYSELF THROUGH ANYTHING;

TEMPORARY PAIN OR DISCOMFORT MEANS NOTHING

TO ME AS LONG AS I CAN SEE THAT THE EXPERIENCE

WILL TAKE ME TO A NEW LEVEL. I AM INTERESTED IN

THE UNKNOWN, AND THE ONLY PATH TO THE UNKNOWN

IS THROUGH BREAKING BARRIERS.

I am not allowing myself to wallow in self-pity and gloat over the former days. I dwell on this quote and other stuff to strengthen me and to help me forget the unbelievable loneliness that I feel, it's like as I said before, a loneliness so strong that you not only struggle on the inside but it's so paralyzing that fighting it off becomes physically taxing as well. I was reading Ala Paredes's blog (Jim Paredes of APO fame's talented and gorgeous daughter) and I just learned that they had migrated to Australia and you know what? I find that I am not loco for feeling the the way I'm feeling.This is what she said:

I am a new immigrant, and I'm still hilo when it comes to processing this experience. There have been many struggles, many challenges that I can't even attach a name to, powerful emotions I can't seem to identify.

 

I also read her brother's blog, man the guy has the worst case of homesickness I know, funny thing is I can relate! Although I can't post his entries here because they're in Tagalog and I would use a lot of *bleeps*.

Well, at least Ala doesn't have the language barrier! I freak out everytime someone suddenly blurts out something in Chinese (My reaction= ME talking to myself colour draining from her face: uh-oh, here we go again) and then they'd all laugh or comment in Chinese, do you know how that feels? It's like I'm suspended in midair,my extremities are flailing and I have to be in that position for duration of the conversation then I'd come back on earth, specifically Singapore again. Pero di ba di naman maganda yun? Parang maledukado yun at least ganun ako pinalaki ng nanay ko na I shouldn't talk in a language that another wouldn't understand.All those times I WANTED, BEGGED, PRAYED THAT THE SURFACE OF THE EARTH WHERE I WAS STANDING ON WOULD OPEN UP AND SWALLOW ME ALIVE AND THEN I'D JUST POKE MY HEAD EVERY NOW AND THEN FROM THAT HOLE. I can't help myself if I feel ostracized, right?

There are times when people would sweep their eyes from my head down to my feet like scanners and I get this creepy feeling that they are sizing me up if I'm ok or not. Quite frustrating, because I feel...USELESS, and I'm not used to feeling that, I'm a very goal-oriented person and to be here and just bumming out, passing everyday as ok when I know I lead a quasi-life is very ...very...ARGH!It's not so much as missing the people back home, it's more of integrating myself, saan ako lulugar? I was used to activities and moving about being productive...

Everytime something sad or uncomfortable happens, I just think, 'God, I know You have a reason why I'm feeling this, why I'm experiencing this, why I feel so left out". To be frank may be I'm just "putting up" with all this things in my life because I love God,and if it weren't for me being a Christian, (actually it's not really about being a Christian, it's about loving Jesus )I would have backed out, Sayonara Singapore! I mean who in their right mind would let themselves go through the pain and discomfort of uprooting and moving in a foreign country with absolutely no other relatives around (another thing that Ala doesn't have to deal with), who would allow their academic careers to be put on hold, to COMPLETELY MESS UP, DELETE, ERASE, FORGET the LIFE PLANS that one has drawn up? Whatever happens to me I know it'll be for my good, didn't God say that in Jeremiah 29:11?

Whenever I feel lonely I just go to Him. Knowing that there will be a double recompense for my shame (Isaiah). God, I am humbled...please don't let go of Your hand!

Birthday Card

I thank my blockmates for the birthday card...soooo sweet...love you all...mommy loves you, make me proud! You can all master Anatomy, Physiology, PhysDys and PsychDys (did I get all of them...oh cripes! I forgot MRL!). Just give your best shot! And remember to rest ah? Miss ko na kayo sobra! Tell me bout the internship...keep on going strong block 20!

Training the Mind

I've been brainwashing myself these past week. It's a tough mental battle! But I'm taking responsibility.

On Blog Leave

Yes, I'll be on blog leave for an indefinite span of time, that's why this is a pretty long post. I have been doing a lot of thinking recently, and I had this wonderful thought. I have  a lot of time on my hands and few people have this privelege. I realized that I could start to be serious in writing again! I am now on the "birthing" stages of this "book" that I want to create and it's Sabrina Ward Harrison meets Maya Angelou with a Christian tone, I'm thinking it's gonna take four to five months until I complete it, but my head is just swimming with all the things I want to put in there. I've started on mood pages and sketches and also some pieces of poetry. Then I really am amazed because I have ideas for essays, poems and stories(which I will post here). I am so excited at the stuff I'll be throwing myself into. So many things to write about!

Christian by Maya Angelou

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not shouting "I'm clean livin."
I'm whispering "I was lost,"
Now I'm found and forgiven.

When I say..."I am a Christian"
I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble
and need CHRIST to be my guide.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak
and need HIS strength to carry on.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed
and need God to clean my mess.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not claiming to be perfect,
My flaws are far too visible
but, God believes I am worth it.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I still feel the sting of pain,
I have my share of heartaches
So I call upon His name.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not holier than thou,
I'm just a simple sinner
who received God's good grace, somehow.

 ~Maya Angelou~

Of course, you can read my everyday blog, if you want updates on what's happening to me.

Ciao people see you guys soon!

Depression isn't something to be proud of especially if you profess yourself to be a Christian. I mean, it really would not make sense at all, how can it be? When Christ has entered your life, you should be free, right?

And it was so embarrassing for me everytime I would spiral into my depression and my friends would be there to see me break down, it won't make me an effective witness for Christ right?

And though I have tried so many times to hide what I have been feeling, by repressing it, it gets bottled up insided, each incident piling over one another, until the pressure became so enormous that I would get ticked off even by the most trivial thing.

The previous months are no exception to the loneliness and helplessness that I feel. In fact, I guess I was so stressed with everything, with leaving all I know and all I love behind that I plunged into an even more depressed state. I would become so good at masking my feelings that I would cry every night to sleep without anyone noticing, not even my sister who sleeps beside me. I would cry and have morbid thoughts that Dorothy Parker's poem kept running through my head

razors are sharp

rivers are damp

acids stain you

and drugs cause cramp

guns aren't lawful

nooses give

gas smells awful

you might as well live

And try as I may to guard my mind, I felt so powerless, and it did not help at all that I found it difficult to make friends here. I just felt like asking God to take my life away, because I couldn't bear the emotions that I was feeling, I wanted to run away...and I know that if you read my entries for the past three months you'd notice the incredible mood swings,you'd be more shocked if you came upon my real journal...

I know that suicide is a sin, who am I to impose on God? To blatantly reject God's gift of life to me, now that I know that He loved me enough to send His Son to die for me. And yet I felt it was the easiest way, it came to a point that in July I was actually begging God to finish me off...Please God, pull the plug...

July 28, 2006, the night when we had a combined cell group, I was so down, and it did not help that my brother was giving me the silent treatment, I felt so alone and so unwanted that I actually cried during the cell group (it was a good thing that we were worshipping God then, so nobody really noticed). After the cell group I excused myself because I was hurting so much, fighting the tears became PHYSICALLY impossible. When I was at the bus stop I kept muttering, "God help me" over and over...I was weeping during the whole bus ride to the Bus Interchange.

When I took the next bus home, I was a little bit sober already, but then the tears suddenly crept up, I decided to preoccupy myself so that I'd distract myself. I took out my pen and notebook and the words just started to flow:

I feel so crappy Lord

if there was such a word,

my life is crumbling down

slowly swallowed by the world

i'm scared half to death

in fact dying's an attractive choice

i'm straining my ears so hard to hear

Your still, reassuring voice

i try to think of Your word

and pray it comforts me

but even when i take a breath

the air is suffocating me

those around me have no clue

of the battle that wages inside

or how the tears slip unnoticed

because i've smiled so wide...

It was then that I stopped and silently said a prayer ," Dear God, please show me what to do, I need to know You're here". And I have never even expected that God will come through so tangibly, because what happened next has never happened to me.As those words cried out from my heart, I looked out at the window, it was way past 9 o' clock, the roads were dimly lit by street lights, and at that instant as the bus drove over a turn, there was a sign, illuminated brightly by a street lamp, "STAY ON TRACK". And it just broke forth through the dark clouds of my spirit and I felt that God had spoken through that sign, all those times that I have passed by that road, it was only that night that I saw it. And I was comforted. Just when I was ready to throw in the towel and take matters into my own hand and forsake my faith, God came through for me.

That Sunday, I was delivered.And for the first time there weren't many voices inside my head, and yes, I sometimes feel the searing pain in my heart and feel lonely especially when I am with the crowd, quite funny right? I have never felt lonely when I am alone, I feel lonely when I am with others. But it just leads me back to Jesus's feet, and I remember His word that says that He'll never leave me nor forsake me.